Social Anixety and Agoraphobia-what people don’t understand or see

I made it out the house today – every fibre of my body is screaming, I feel sick, I’m shaking, I can feel myself getting dizzy and I’m struggling to breath. But outside I look fine. I’m my happy go lucky self. On my face is my smile, I’m laughing and joking. Occasionally I become quiet and the mask cracks but pretty quickly I’ll replace it. I just have to take my time to compose my self and put on my social face.

I’m terrified. I want to be sat in the corner of my living room wrapped in a blanket with the door locked, key in the door so no one can get in and the curtain closed. Not moving to eat, do the household chores or even manage to interact with my daught. My daughter has got used to this empty person in the corner. My daughter shouldn’t have a mum like this. She should have a mum who plays with her. A mum who reads her stories, join in her tea party’s. Her mum wants to do these things but feels safer in blanket cocoon where she doesn’t have to deal with the world. The world of wills, probate, mum’s estate, the fear of the utilities being turned off, being kicked out of the house not to mention everything else to deal with that isn’t linked to mum’s death oh and dealing with that and trying to get my head round life without mum.

I don’t want to leave the house. Occasionally I have to. I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t want to see people. I want to hide away. I struggle everyday to do the simplest thing. I’m proud of my self when I manage to cook my daughter a nutritional dinner. Or I managed to get dressed. People don’t see the internal battle I have to get out of bed or to enter a building when I finally out. Talking to people, even people I’ve known for years, my closest friends scare the hell out of me.

I tell myself the whole time I’m being stupid there’s nothing to be scared of but my brain and body don’t see that. It just sees the panic and fear. It wants to be safe. Every cell in my body tells me I’m unsafe. It’s a horrible way to live. People say they understand but do they? People say things all the time but I have a hard time trusting them. I want to feel safe but I don’t want to let people in. People in the past have said they’ll be there or that they’ll do something and then disappeared or gone back on their word. It maybe a little thing to them but to me it’s a huge thing.

My biggest security net is gone. My one and only cheerleader. My world and hero! She’s gone, she’s not coming back. The one person who no matter what was always on my side. The one person there telling don’t let the bastard get you down. I don’t have that anymore. It breaks my heart.

I was struggling before she left me. Struggling with my family roles and responsibility. I can’t do it! I don’t want to do it! But I need to be an adult, a big sister, a mother, a wife, the head of my family. And the thing is I’m struggling. I’ve always struggled. I’ve been like this since I was 10 and it’s just progressively got worse.

I want to be happy, I want to enjoy life, I want to be a good mum, a hood wife. I want to protect my sister from the world. But I don’t want to leave my blanket cocoon. I dont want to pretend I’m fine. It’s exhausting. Holding a conversation with anyone is an effort but people don’t see that.

Love is hard and a constant battle for me. I may look happy or involved on the outside but inside I’m falling apart and fighting every cell to run away and hide.

I made it out of the house today. That’s today’s first battle. But I will fight 50 more today before the day is through.

It’s a pirates life for me – 19th March 2019

Today was pirates day at Toddler Sense. She woke me up by jumping on top of me. I knew I should get up but I really didn’t want to. I told her it was pirate day and Bella sung the Swashbuckle song with all the actions. I was so impressed as she’d never sung it before.

Bella got dressed in her little pirates outfit and I gave her her sword. She was going round saying ‘arg’

We got in the car and set off to Toddler Sense. We were going to go to Costa for our usual order before class but the traffic around town was horrible. We were getting no where fast so I decided we’d go to Costa after class.

There were a few children at the class that had dressed up. It was nice to see them all running around in their outfits. Not that I could get a good photo of Bella.

Today was pirates day at Toddler Sense. She woke me up by jumping on top of me. I knew I should get up but I really didn’t want to. I told her it was pirate day and Bella sung the Swashbuckle song with all the actions. I was so impressed as she’d never sung it before.

Bella got dressed in her little pirates outfit and I gave her her sword. She was going round saying ‘arg’

We got in the car and set off to Toddler Sense. We were going to go to Costa for our usual order before class but the traffic around town was horrible. We were getting no where fast so I decided we’d go to Costa after class.

There were a few children at the class that had dressed up. It was nice to see them all running around in their outfits. Not that I could get a good photo of Bella.

Bella was excited to see the giant bouncy castle was back. She surprised me by climbing up on to the castle with no help at all. Normally she needs at least a little boost but not today. She had fun climbing up the castle and sliding down and then she decided to try some of the other activities set out in the play area.

Bella found the plank and practiced crawling up one side and sliding down the other. She didn’t have to confidence to walk up the plank. She fell off a few times while crawling up the plank but she stuck at it and didn’t let it put her off.

Bella likes to collect the cones every session but today she collected them up and then matched the cone colours to the colours on the balance beam.

We off course tried Row, row today. As well as a few sea shanty’s with actions. Bella joined in and especially enjoyed rowing her boat using the elastic.

The main activity of the day was a sea journey. Everyone got in the boat and sailed off into the sea. They found lots of sea creatures along the way, including whales, sharks, octopuses and even Nemo. Bella especially loved finding Nemo.

The boat sailed under a huge white sail and then came across larger fish, bubbles and a beautifully lit jellyfish.

The final activity involved the children taking part in an obsicle course to find the buried treasure. Eventually the children found the treasure buried in the sand. It was a treasure chest full of sparkly pom-poms. The children enjoyed dancing with the poms.

After class we swung by Costa as I’d promised Bella. I picked her up a gingerbread man and my usual decaf tea. Bella’s face lit up as soon as I gave her the gingerbread man. Sadly we won’t be able to continue with our Tuesday morning Costas. We think Toddler Sense is too much for Bella so we’re planning on stopping her classes and giving her a break. We may return to it when she’s a bit older or try something else, we’ll see.

We got to the pub and I set up my little tea party of a cup of tea and a tea cake. I haven’t had a tea cake in ages. I love them. Bella was still in her pirate outfit so the pub was being plundered by a mini cutie.

After running around a playing for a bit in her pirate costume I changed Bella and we sat down to enjoy a drink with Nathan and Cathy. I love our Tuesday pub meetings. Bella was really interested in the Paw Patrol magnetic drawing board Nathan has so I was trying to encourage Bella to copy my writing. She enjoyed that activity so much we’ve ordered her one with her birthday money so we can play at home.

So we had a fun day being pirates and seeing Cathy and Nathan. A nice busy but chilled day. We will have to choose a new Costa day but we’ll come up with one. I’m not loosing my Costa.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventure tomorrow holds for us

Love CiCi x

Bye bye car – 18th March 2019

This blog isn’t going to be as in detail as normal. I’ve not been feeling too great today. For some reason I keep getting migraines. But we still had a busy day so I wanted to write down our day.

Today we returned our rental car. Daly was sad to return it. He really enjoyed driving the Astra but it’s boot was too small for us. When the pram doesn’t fit, it’s no good.

I had already arranged for Rachel to take Bella to and from nursery and it was a nice treat for Bella to see her aunt.

Bella ran into wake Daly up this morning. I had ended up in bed with her in the early hours of the morning when she had been unsettled. Bella and Daly watched Paw Patrol in bed while I sorted out Bellas bag for nursery and made her a pack lunch to take to Rachel’s.

We dropped Bella off to Rachel’s just before 11 and the first thing Bella did as soon as she got through the door. Threw her doll and bottle down and ran to find the guinea pigs. Rachel let her feed them a treat so I got to see Bella feeding the guinea pigs before we headed off to drop the rental car.

We got back in the car and headed to Dalys to pick up our car so we had a way to come home. Daly dropped me and then off he went. I took a leisurely drive back to the rental place. I was impressed that I remembered where I needed to go. I arrived at the same time as Daly and we said goodbye to the Astra.

We got into our little Skoda and decided to take a trip to B and M. We needed to get some shelves for the playroom and Daly needed to pick up some bits for his lunches at work. We found a nice shelving unit exactly how I wanted and luckily it was at a reduced price.

After shopping we stopped and had McDonald’s for lunch. I had taken some painkillers before we left home but my head was still banging. We hoped a bit of food would help. We stopped at Dalys briefly to see his parents but we had to get home to pick Bella up from Rachel’s.

We met Rachel at hers and moved Bella from her car to ours so she could go out for the evening and we were off to the pub to see Nathan. Rachel said that Bella had had a good time at nursery, she’d been a little teary to go in and when she came out but there hadn’t been any problems during her session.

We stopped at the pub and had a drink just to relax for a bit. Bella sat and watched Paw Patrol on Dalys phone. She’d been asking me ever since we’d picked her up.

We headed to do a bit of food shopping and then went home. I filled the freezer while Daly cleaned the car and Bella was happily playing. When Daly had finished with the car he built the shelving unit for me. Bella tried to help him, it was so cute.

Daly went out to see some friends and Bella and I were staying home. While Daly was out I decided to try building the other unit we had bought. Once again Bella tried helping. She tried to screw in the screws using the screwdriver. She tried really hard twisting the screwdriver and screw in the screw.

That was our day today. We’re getting there getting jobs done. Hopefully we will continue to be successful.

Night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us

Love CiCi x

The Travel Blogs – Are we there yet? – 17th March 2019

More family time today. It’s been lovely. We were going to my uncles for breakfast. They always make us a lovely English breakfast on a Sunday when we’re down this way. We got up late this morning. My head really hurt when I woke up so I didn’t want to get up but I knew there was a breakfast waiting for me.

Luckily I’d packed our bags last night and I didn’t have to get Bella dressed as I was giving her a bath at Barry and Sheron’s. I woke Daly up and got him up to get himself ready. While he was getting dressed I took down Bella’s travel cot and then I took them out to the car.

We were suppose to be sitting down for breakfast at 10 but with getting Daly up and packing the car we didn’t leave the hotel until 9.55. I wanted to drive this morning. I set up the SAT NAV and off we went. I instantly went wrong so we took a little detour through the country. We hit a few little bridges. Daly didn’t like the fact I went woohoo every time we went over them. We finally found the main road and we were back on track.

We got to my uncles at 10.30. As soon as we walked in Jamie went “funny 10 o’clock” I said it was because Daly takes forever to get up and as soon as Daly came through the door and said it was my fault because I’d taken a detour. Didn’t matter we hadn’t missed breakfast.

We sat down to enjoy our lovely English breakfast. We had sausages, egg, bacon, beans, tomatoes and toast. It’s always a yummy breakfast.

After breakfast I gave Bella a bath. We tried some snuffle baby bubble bath to see if that helped Bella’s breathing. Bella had been really chesty when she woke up and it sounded like she’d lost her voice. Luckily it’s come back as the days gone on. She had fun splashing in the bath, she was chasing the bubbles around the bath with her sponge.

While Bella was in the bath my cousin Greg turned up with his little one, Briony. Daly got Bella dressed and went and said hello while I sorted the bathroom out.

Greg had said he wanted to climb a nearby hill. We thought as the weather was nice we’d all go. It’s actually sunny today and not too cold. Uncle Barry had said needed to sort the garage out so couldn’t come. We think he lost his spirit of adventure. We got ready making sure we had coats and that the kids had warm clothes before we got in the cars to go find Greg’s hill.

Jamie came with Daly, Bella and I and Sheron went with Greg and Briony. The hill was about a 15 minute drive away. We parked up at the bottom of the hill and got ourselves sorted. I needed to put my trainers and the kids needed to put their coats and wellies on.

Once we were ready, we set off up the hill. Briony and Isabella tried to walk it but occasionally asked to be carried. They were both adventurous, both Daly and Greg had to keep a hold of them before they tried to walk off the side of the hill.

Jamie ran up to the top of the hill, Greg followed with Briony and Daly slowly made his way up while Bella, Sheron and I carried on walking up the track to the top of the hill. Luckily the track was pretty sheltered so we weren’t being blown about.

We got to the top and found the wind again. We enjoyed the view but quickly made our way back down the hill. Sheron ended up at one point with both girls. And even I was honoured by Briony holding my hand as we walked.

It was a lovely walk. It’s nice to do things like that. Doesn’t cost a thing but spending time with the family.

We went back to the cars and headed back to Barry and Sheron’s for a cup of tea and a sit down. Bella and I sat in the living room and watched a film while Greg washed his car and the boys went to ASDA. Briony was having her lunch with Sheron

We ended up sitting in the dinning room chatting and drinking our tea while Briony finished her lunch and then the girls play. It was lovely watching them play and sharing toys. They were running around with each other screaming and giggling.

They were using the washing basket as a boat and pushing each other along on the ride on car.

Sadly Briony and Greg had to go home so we said goodbye. He was going home to cook a roast and had a few other bits to do.

Sheron, Barry and I all sat in the front room watching tv and chilling for the afternoon. I was going through the photos from this morning and also wrote up a bit for Bella’s nursery about her weekend.

Jamie and Daly were in Jamie’s room playing on the Xbox. Bella decided she wanted to join them and see what they were up to. She ended up crashing on Jamie’s bed. Obviously the walk this morning had worn her out.

That’s pretty much how the rest of the day went. A nice chilled out afternoon with everyone relaxing and doing their own things. When Bella woke up she played a little bit on the iPad before we had some dinner.

After dinner Bella was very interested in the dishwasher. We don’t have one at home so Bella found it extremely interesting. She was playing with her doggy on the door while Sheron filled it. Bella had to keep being reminded that she shouldn’t touch anything in the dishwasher as it was dirty.

Once the dishwasher had been filled we returned to the living room. Bella showed Sheron some of the games on the iPad and they sat doing them together.

Bella kept going into annoying the boys who were now watching films. She even wheeled in on the little ride on car. She’s been a bit of a daddy’s girl today.

We’re having our finally cup of tea before we have to hit the road home. Last bit of relaxation before the long drive. It’s been a wonderful weekend, shame it has to end but we have to return to reality. Hopefully we can all meet up again.

Night all and let’s see what adventure tomorrow holds for us

Love CiCi x

The Travel Blogs – Friends New and Old – 16th March 2019

After lunch Bella went to make a new friend. My uncle Barry has a tortoise and she needed a bath. Bella had been interested in the tortoise and kept going to look at her habitat. My aunty had asked Bella if she wanted to help bathe and fed her. Bella seemed extremely interested but she can be a bit funny about animals. I mean we have two cats and she likes them for 2 seconds and then she’s over them and just wants them to go away.

First up was a bath. Sheron had got a washing up bowl with a bit of temped water in for the tortoise to go in. Bella sat up to the table so she could watch the tortoise walk round in the water. Bella wasn’t too sure and this point and was a bit weary. She was happy just munching her apple and watching. She did however try to feed the tortoise some apple.

Next up Sheron took the tortoise out of the bowl of water and dried her. She showed Bella the tortoise up close but Bella was still unsure.

Sheron had given Bella some greens to feed the tortoise. To begin with Bella was too weary to feed her. So instead I fed the tortoise. I’m still a weary of animals I don’t know so I wasn’t too sure about feeding the tortoise but I gave it ago.

After I’d fed the tortoise for a bit Bella became a bit braver and attempted to stroke her. Bella had noticed that the tortoise had missed some of her greens so moved it in front of her so it could get them.

We went back into the living room to play. While we had been looking after the tortoise, Jamie and Daly had been outside looking at Jamie’s car. Like the boys do.

We all congregated in the living room and watched the end of Rango. The boys sat on the floor watching car videos on YouTube while Bella played. Bella’s cousin Shelby turned up but she was very tired so wasn’t ready to play so instead she had cuddles with daddy.

The girls spent all afternoon playing. Sharing toys between them. Shelby wasn’t too sure of Bella to start with but warmed up to her quickly. Bella had found the little sit on car and was playing with that.

The girls ended up in the dining room playing peek a boo behind the curtain. And then wanted to sit together on a spinny chair in the dinning room. I managed to take a few photos of them sitting together. It reminded me of a photo I have of me and one of my cousins. Friendships made for life.

It was lovely seeing the girls play together and also Bella playing with her great aunty Sheron. Bella showed Sheron her dinosaurs and they also looked at the dinosaur book Barry and Sheron had bought Bella for her birthday.

Shelby kept chasing Bella around and trying to give Bella hugs. Bella however does things on her terms so she wasn’t too fond of Shelby being too cuddly. However Bella enjoys a game of chase.

We did catch the two girls in the bathroom playing with the bath ducks. They kept giggling and running in and out of the room, it was so cute. They were soon shooed out of the room when they kept trying to shut us out.

This pattern of play continued until Shelby left. Bella did manage to share a little with Shelby. She did learn that it was ok for Shelby to play with her toys especially her toot toot dog she had got for her birthday and it wasn’t going to get hurt.

After dinner Jamie and Daly had a games evening playing CoD while I sat in the living room and chatted with Barry and Sheron. Sheron and I were discussing Easter events I could do with Bella near home. In the end we found a few egg hunts near us so just need to make an actual decision on what were going to take Bella to. It was a wonderful chilled evening with the family and everyone had a good time.

Night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us

Love CiCi x

The Travel Blogs – Haynes Motor Museum – 16th March 2019

Family day planned for us. I didn’t sleep very well last night. The hotel was fine and the bed was comfy but I just couldn’t sleep. I sat up and watched the Hills most of the night hoping I was going to get drowsy and just drop off. It didn’t really work. When I finally dropped off Bella kept screaming and crying in her sleep so I was getting up to comfort her every 30 minutes to an hour. Bless her, doctors on Monday for her.

I woke up first this morning and jumped in the shower. We were going to have showers last night but were too tired. I left Daly and Bella sleeping so I could shower in peace.

I woke Daly up as my aunty had text me about meeting up. He moaned that his head had been hurting so I gave him some pain killers. Bella woke up and helped me choose her outfit.

I’d woken up with a cup of tea. Can’t beat a cuppa first thing in the morning especially after a shower.

We got up, dressed and out of the hotel. Bella nearly got blown away as we walked to the car. It’s so windy outside today.

We headed off to Haynes museum. I’d always known about the place and knew where it was but never been. We had text my aunty that we had left the hotel and they were going to meet us there. We arrived a bit early and where it was so windy we got Bella to sit in the car. Turns out she fancied giving driving a go. She loves getting behind the wheel of a car.

We headed into the museum and had a good wander around. Daly and Jamie went off chatting about all the different cars. I had my camera so used it as a chance to practice being creative. Bella enjoyed running around however she kept trying to go under the ropes and up to the cars.

We went to the upper gallery and looked at all the bikes. There was a speedway bike you could sit on and have your photo taken on. Bella liked sitting on the bike. Daly, Jamie and I had our photos taken on the bikes. We wandered round and could see the go kart track from the window. Apparently their go karts are like Mario karts. I was well up for that.

We looked at the sports cars and Bella was running around trying to open all the car doors. I’m guessing she was trying to get in and drive them.

We found the red room full of red cars. I informed everyone that if you were colour blind it would actually be the green room. Sheron found this weird looking car with only 3 wheels and asked what it was. My answer ‘a car’ she didn’t seem too impressed with my answer.

They had the little sit in cars that the children could go round the museum. We’d tried to get Bella in a car when we first got to the museum but she was having it. She happily got in one for the last little bit of museum. She chose a dinosaur car and Daly pushed her around.

The last room we entered was the Mini room. You could design your own paint job for a mini so I gave it ago. My car looked very pretty with hearts all over it.

Once we’d finished looking round the museum we hit the shop. Bella had found a bug eye thing that she liked and was carrying around but I convinced her to put it back and choose something else. Daly had found a number plate plaque that said Isabella and she finally chose a little blue car.

We were going to go to the cafe but it was too crowded so instead we went back to my aunty and uncle’s for some lunch. While we were getting back settled at the house Bella found Sherons cup of tea from this morning and threw it all over herself. We had to get Bella all cleaned up and we found her toys so she could have a play. Sheron made us all nice toasted sandwiches when we got in and we sat and enjoyed a nice cup of tea while watching top gear.

Let’s see what adventures the rest of the day holds for us.

Love CiCi x

The Travel Blogs – Nothing like Family – 15th March 2019

We made it to my uncle’s. Took us as long as predicted which is good. When we got to my uncle Barry’s we said hello to Barry and Sheron. We went and sat in the living room and enjoyed a cup of tea.

We chatted about Bellas nursery and how she was getting on. Also about the fact Bellas many illnesses over the last few months. Daly and Barry chatted about the car we’d hired. Sheron kept dipping in and out of the conversation as she was doing us dinner. Bella had grabbed the iPad as soon as we got in the house and was leaning on the sofa watching Peppa Pig and Shimmer and Shine.

I had put on Facebook that I was having problems with Bellas Nuby cup leaking in bed with her. The last few nights I’ve had to change Bellas pyjamas and dry the bed out as they were soaked. Barry and Sheron had bought Bella a Munchkin cup with a straw for us to try. She loved it and kept asking Sheron for more juice.

We had pizza and salad for dinner.

Bella sat in the high chair next to me. She surprised me by eating all her dinner and even used her knife and fork. She very rarely uses them. She finds it easier to eat with her hands. I do encourage her but she has none of it normally. Uncle Barry gave Bella a yoghurt for dessert and again she surprised me. She ate her yoghurt completely with her spoon. Normally she eats half the yoghurt with the spoon and then eats the rest with her fingers. But today no fingers.

My cousin Jamie turned up just as we were finishing dinner. He told us about his eventful drive home and then we all returned to the living room.

Bella went back to the iPad this time watching Paw Patrol. Jamie and I were remembering all our random conversations that we’ve had over the years. We chatted about time traveling chickens with cows and grumpy ducks which had something to do with dinosaurs. I think it was something like the dinosaurs were time traveling chickens but we can’t remember. We just remember being in hysterics everytime one of us mooed or quacked.

Then we had a laugh that resulted from something I’d said about man and Jamie corrected me saying ‘woman actually’ with regards to gender equality. I said how I didn’t really care I’m not a feminist. My aunty then brought up how babies are now being theybies as to not place a gender on them. To which Jamie announced he identified as a broom handle. So when he fills out forms he doesn’t fill out male or female he ticks other. We chatted about the weird people out there that have had surgery to turn themselves into a tenderness alien or a cat. We have random conversations.

We discussed Bellas swimming lessons as Jamie had said he was going swimming at some point. Which brought us on to the last random conversations we had. How if your going to save someone whose fallen in a river you need to go home first, put your pyjamas on, grab your brick, go back to the river, throw the brick in, save the brick and then save the person. This then got extended to Jamie didn’t want a brick anymore he was bringing his broom handle. His dad then said about how random it was the way lifesaving used to be taught in pools to which Jamie said sod it throw in an elephant. So I decided we now need to save the elephant in water by creating a lever with the brick and the broom pole. As you can see we have random conversations but we wouldn’t change them.

We decided it was time for us to head to the hotel to give Barry and Sheron a break from the craziness and so we could get Bella to bed.

The hotel is about 20 minutes away from my uncle’s. Travelodge this time. No Premier Inn but were getting a fry up Sunday morning thanks to my aunty so we don’t need a Premier Inn.

Bella and I went to find the room while Daly parked the car. We were welcomed by a very nice lady at reception. She chatted with Bella about her dolly and told us where our room was.

Bella was very excited when we got to the room and explored. Even though there’s a bed set up for Bella she moves too much in her sleep so we have her travel cot.

Daly arrived with all our bits and we started to get ready for bed. I set up the travel cot for Bella but she seemed to have decided that my bed was now her bed. She made herself nice and comfortable under her duvet.

We’re now all settled in bed and going to get some sleep so we can have a great day tomorrow with the family.

Night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us

Love CiCi x

The Travel Blogs – Let’s get a car – 15th March 2019

We’re off for the weekend. Heading to see the family.

We had to get up early so we could pack the car and get on the road to pick up our hire car. Daly had to make some phone calls so it was my job to pack the car. I don’t mind, I’m quite good at packing the car. I used to do it for dad.

We all got in the car and headed to Dalys to drop Bella off. That way she got to spend some time with Grandma and Grandad and got a break from being in the car. We’ve had lots of tears this morning though. Can tell she’s not 100% just want her to get over all these illnesses.

Daly and I took the long drive to Dover to pick up the car. The weather’s been miserable and being by the sea didn’t make it any better. Oh well Dover still looked pretty as we came down the hill to the docks.

We were getting our car from Hertz this weekend.

We’ve got a green Astra for the weekend but it means I have my Android Auto back. Oh man I love it. Especially as I’m able to have the SAT NAV up on the car screen but can continue to blog at the same time (Dalys doing the driving)

Daly drove the hire car back while I drove ours. The weather seemed to be getting even worse. Not fun driving back from Dover in the rain.

We got back to Dalys and picked up Bella. She had been playing jigsaws with Grandad. We’d already transferred everything from our car into the Astra so all that was left to do was pack the child.

We made a pit stop at Sainsbury’s before we hit the road. Bella was grumpy because where we had parked she could see the ramp to walk up to get to Dalys. She’s a bit of a Mummys girl when she’s ill. Daly had picked her up to take her into the shop rather than run up the ramp but she didn’t want him. She wanted mummy.

Daly had said Bella could chose a toy as a special treat for how well she had settled into nursery and how well behaved she’d been recently even though she’s ill. She looked at lots of different toys. But she settled on another Shimmer and Shine doll to add to her collection.

She helped me choose some face wash as I’d forgotten mine and then came and helped me at the checkouts. She waited nicely for her toy. Didn’t take it off the packing area meaning that irritating voice didn’t go off ‘Please place the item in the packing area!’

While Daly put his bits through the checkout and paid I gave Bella some penny’s to put in the Comic Relief collection bucket. We have a very charitable girl. She loves putting money in charity buckets.

Once we’d finished it was time to hit the road for a nice long drive. The weather hasn’t really cheered up but it’s not the worst. Still raining, just not as heavily.

After driving for about an hour and a half we stopped to have something to eat. Daly and I hadn’t eaten all day so we needed something. Bella had been asleep all journey with the odd little cough. She woke up just as we pulled into Cobham services. I was going to wake her up but turns out I didn’t need to.

We decided to have a bit of Maccy D’s just to keep us going. Bella put a penny in the McDonald’s spinny money thing – I have no idea what it is called. But again she just enjoys putting money in things.

Bella chose where we were going to sit and we enjoyed some food. I found a penny on the floor and gave it to Bella. She didn’t want to put it down so we convinced her to put it in Dalys tiny little zip pocket on his arm.

We finished our food and then headed back to the car to get back on the road.

Back on the road we had more SAT NAV problems. This thing is useless. We’ve gone wrong so many times thinking it’s actually right.

We drove past Stonehenge and took photos of the stones like usual. Hey otherwise you didn’t see them. Just like my mum I’ve probably got hundreds of photos of those stones.

But we’ve nearly arrived at our destination in lovely rain of course.

That’s all until the next travel blog later tonight.

Love CiCi x

Migraines suck – 14th March 2019

Bella did not want to get up this morning. Not surprised considering she was still bouncing around in bed until about 2am. That child does not stop.

She’s still coughing and sounding like she’s losing her voice. Hope she doesn’t suffer with her throat like I do. That’s not nice.

Babyballet this morning. I managed to get Bella dressed in her ballet outfit and out the house to go to ballet. Had to prevent her being blown away when we stepped outside, it was so windy.

Bella was a bit hit and miss with ballet today. One minute she was really clingy and then she was running off. She ran out of the classroom twice before class started to go jump on the comfy seats in the hall way. She was enjoying twirling today and jump in. She found the teachers mini trampoline and kept jumping on it.

She joined in nicely with the second half of the class thankfully. Doing her Jack in the box and jumping on the spots. She also enjoyed dancing with the scarfs. Of course she always enjoys dancing with twinkle at the end of the class.

Sadly that was the end of her three week trial but hopefully we can continue with it. She enjoys getting dressed up and she does practice her good toes and naughty toes at home. She even gets me to do it with her.

After class we took a trip to ASDA to go pick up some cat food. Bella and I went and looked in George but didn’t find any cute outfits this time. We did however get her a new duvet set. She chose a pretty green unicorn set. So Nannas favourite colour and the animal Nanna wanted to be. I love my girl.

We went home and had some lunch before time for nursery. As I was getting her ready and then putting her in the car rain was thrashing down. I kept hiding behind the car so I didn’t get wet not that that worked.

Funny thing was by the time we’d driven to nursery it had stopped raining. Bella proudly walked the rest of the way to nursery with her backpack on.

After dropping Bella off I went home and got more house work done. I started to sort out Bellas room and all her clothes. Then made a start on the washing up while watching the Hills. I have to have some American rubbish on while I do housework.

Daly finally emerged to go and pick Bella up from nursery thankfully as my head was starting to hurt. When he came back Bella was very clingy. Apparently there had been tears at nursery today. I’m guessing it’s where she’s not feeling so great. We’ll have to see how she does over the weekend to see if she goes in Monday.

Before Daly went to work I wanted Bella to show him her little pirate outfit I had got her. She looked so cute in her little dress. She loved it but got annoyed with me that I told her she needed to take it off to eat a tomato. We compromised and she was allowed an apple. I had a little pirate sat in my living room. It was so cute.

Daly went to work and we chilled watching Paw Patrol. My head was starting to get worse which was not good. Especially when you have a hungry toddler to feed. I really wanted to just go to sleep. Instead I popped my pain meds and set about cooking dinner with Bellas help.

She really enjoys helping me cook. She actually gets really upset if it’s not dinner time and she doesn’t need to go in the freezer.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds.

Love CiCi x

Birthday Blog- turning 31 – 28th Febrauary 2019

Zach had stayed last night as the boys had had a gaming night. He came and woke us up just after 8 as we had planned to go for a Wetherspoons fry up. I got up and woke Bella up. Daly however did his usual of just laying in bed looking at his phone. Eventually he emerged and we were able to get out of the house to attempt to get a breakfast before Bellas first ballet lesson.

In the car we got and off to the pub to park up as we planned to head in and say hello after our breakfast. However the back of the pub is currently right next to a construction site. So trying to get in to go round to the car park we were met by a skip lorry doing a switch. So we were stuck sat in the road watching this skip lorry for 10 minutes before we could pull into the car park. Annoyingly that ment we wouldn’t have time to head up to spoons for breakfast so we headed into the pub to see Nathan and Ed.

Bella was still extremely grumpy about being woken up. I thought her first ballet session was going to be a disaster. She would leave me in the pub yet normally she’ll run around the place. And especially as there was no one there is expected her to have full run of the place.

About 20 minutes before we had to leave for ballet I gave her the option. Did she want to wear her ballet outfit or did she want to stay in what she was wearing. Surprisingly she wanted to put her outfit. It was almost like our normal Bella once she was wearing her ballet outfit. She was showing everyone her outfit and dancing.

We headed off to ballet and guess what, as we were leaving the car park another skip lorry was blocking the road. So again we sat there and waited. Eventually we could get on our way again. We found the hall quite easily. Bella got out of the car and instantly fell over on the gravel. So not a great start to ballet.

We headed inside and got caught out but stupid automatic doors that didn’t work. The first door opened fine. It had one of those giant disabled buttons next to it. The inner door however didn’t open. It had one of those stick buttons and no matter how we pressed the button the door wouldnt open. In the end I just pulled the door open. Turns out I wasn’t the only one, another parent had struggled as well.

In to class we went and met Miss Linda and Miss Paige. Bella was a little shy to start with and went and sat in the corner with her bag. She insisted I sat with her. There was one other girl in the class who was enjoying herself running around. After Bella watched her for a while she decided she was going to join in.

She did really well at ballet, joining in with her good toes and naughty toes. She especially loved pointing her feet in between bends. She was very good at those. We also sang some action rhymes. One activity was jumping and Bella liked jumping from spot to spot going “boing”

The final activity of her session involved dancing with the classes mascot bears – Twinkle and Ted. Bella had one of each and instead of making them dance was enjoying making them kiss. Very cute. Then we had to put them to bed. While everyone else was rocking their bears to sleep Bella laid her bears on the scarf and then stood back to present them to the teacher.

Her teacher said how well she’d done for her first lesson. I was surprised she’d joined in so well. I thought she’d just sit with me or hide but she at least gave everything a good. Very proud of her.

We went back to the pub to find daddy and uncle Zach. As I got into the pub Daly shooed me away so he could get Bella to write in my birthday card. I went and sat at my regular table and waited to be told it was safe to look.

Eventually I was allowed to look and was given my cards from Daly and Bella. Bella had done me a little scribble in her card.

Bella had received a sticker from ballet to say how well she had done in her class. But it kept falling off her. So while Bella sat on my lap we stuck the sticker on baby to say she was a ballet superstar. We were waiting for Nathan as we were all going for a trip to the darts shop.

Off to the darts shop we went. We have discovered two adults and a child seat do not make for a comfortable journey in a Skoda Fabia. We made it though. May have been a tight squeeze but we got there in one piece.

We all got out, Daly, Nathan, Zach, Bella and I and went to do some darts shopping. Bella really liked all the trophies in the shop but I was constantly worried Bella was going to break something. Luckily uncle Zach was on the case and kept an eye on her. The owner didn’t mind Bella exploring, as he said she’s only a baby.

I had been wanting some new darts for a while, but annoyingly the girl play darts they used to do had all changed so I wasn’t too sure about them. I tried a set of 26g to see how I got on with them. I used to have 24g darts and I was sure I wanted some heavier ones. I had a few throws and then decided that the heavier ones for me. I also chose them fairy flights and some pretty pink stems.

Nathan bought some darts as well that he tried out as well as some other bits. Zach also bought some darts bits including a new case.

Then it was time to squeeze back in the Skoda and head back to the pub. My side was really starting to hurt by this point. I had problems with it 4 years ago but after loads of tests they found nothing wrong. In the end they said it was my ribs rubbing on my muscle, so muscle pain nothing really serious.

When we got to the pub Daly headed up to subway to get us some lunch. While he went that way Bella did her usual of finding the cue ball and putting it in the pockets. The rest of us had a go on the dart board. Cathy and Nathan were sorting out a white board so we could score as there isn’t a score board at the moment.

It was going to be the winner played the chalker. I played Nathan while Zach chalked. No huge surprise I lost! Luckily at that point Daly arrived with our lunch so we had a sit down.

My side had started to hurt more so I’d taken some pain killers in the hope I’d start to feel better. Didn’t quite work. The pain killers didn’t take the pain away. Instead it made me extremely drowsy. In the end we had to leave the pub so I could go home and sleep. I wanted to just laid down on the pub floor and sleep there and then.

We went home and I crashed out on the sofa. Not sure what Bella and Daly did while I was asleep but when I woke up the living room, hall and kitchen had be tidied. I had taken Bella out of her ballet outfit so she could have some of her birthday cake. I hadn’t wanted her to get any chocolate on it. So I had to find an outfit for her to wear as her grandparents were coming over with auntie Paige.

I found her cat dress that Grandma had bought her for Christmas. She looks so cute in that dress.

Dalys parents and his sister turned up and gave me their cards and presents. I got a lovely cherry bomb candle from Dalys parents. They also brought me a few more cards including one from Grandma and Grandad who had given me a bit of birthday money. The money covered the cost of my darts so I decided that that was a good use of my birthday money. Adam turned up and we all chatted for a bit. Rachel turned up as well and gave me her present from her and Oli. A Birthday Princess sash.

Dalys parents and Adam and Paige headed of home and then Daly, Rachel and I discussed what we wanted to do for dinner. I still didn’t feel 100% so didn’t really want much so we decided to just pick up some rice dishes from the Chinese. We had a nice little Chinese picnic. That was pretty much it for my birthday but it was a really enjoyable day. I like days like that, nice and chilled.

Well that’s the actually birthday. Next up my 31st party.

Love CiCi x