Panic Attacks will not Beat me – 31st January 2020

We were late up this morning. Daly was off and he was going to drop Bella at his parents for me this morning before picking me up so we could do a food shop. We eventually dragged ourselves out of bed and while I got myself dressed and tried to become alive, Daly got Bella ready. I had pulled out some clothes for Bella and threw them down the stairs for Daly to sort out.

Soon Bella was already to go to Grandma’s. She wanted to wear her wellies – they seem to be her favourite shoes at the moment. We had a mim melt down over who was going to put her boots on but soon that was resolved and she let me pop her boots on. She’s become pretty independant recently so wants to carry her own backpack. She doesn’t even want to take it off when she’s in the car. We’d popped her juice and baby in the backpack so she didn’t have to carry it or loose them in the car. She said her goodbyes to me and then headed on out with Daly.

While Daly was out taking Bella to his parents I settled down on the sofa to have some breakfast. I had picked up some frozen fruit the other day to mix up my cereal. The only problem was some of the fruit was a bit tart. I don’t really like red currents but I sucked it up and enjoyed taking it slow in the morning.

Daly returned and I headed off out with him. We were going to ASDA’s to do a food shop. Only problem was I hadn’t written a list so I was working off my memory.

Now as we were driving over to ASDA I ended up having a panic attack. It was triggered just as I was driving out of our road and I was so annoyed with myself that some thing so stupid set me off. We made it to ASDA and I still felt extremely on edge. It threw the whole shopping trip out because I didn’t know what I was suppose to be getting and was freaking out everytime Daly went to walk away.

Now because this trip had triggered a panic attack I checked the time to see if it was the tome to ring the doctors. Our doctors you have to ring at either 8am or 2pm to try and gain an appointment for the following day. Our ASDA has shocking phone signal so while Daly grabbed the last few bits of shopping I stood near the door and tried to get through.

When I eventually got through it was 2.15pm and the line said I was 9th in line. That made me think all the appointments had gone. When I finally got through I thought I was going to be faced with the dreaded we’re sorry all the appointments have gone so you’re going to have to try again tomorrow (or Monday) and you better pray your first in line. However when I said to the lady on the end of the line I wanted an appointment to see the doctor at some point she managed to find me an appointment for Monday morning. I honestly wanted to cry I was so relieved that I was on the path to getting some help and the first step to regaining some control of my life.

I met Daly at the check out and then we headed back to the car. We took a quick trip round to Food Warehouse. Daly wanted to grab some snacks as we were going to have a movie day tomorrow. We grabbed our bits and then I sked Daly to drop me in town. He wasn’t too sure about leaving me in town as my anxiety was still very high but I didn’t want it to stop me.

Daly dropped me outside our shopping centre and told me to call him if I needed him to pick me up. I was determined not to let anxiety control my life and ruin my routines. I went into the Works to pick up a mindfulness journal I had seen because I wanted to see if that might help me gain some control. However when I walked in they were rearranging the shop and the journal was nowhere to be seen. Instead I picked up a mindfulness colouring book.

Once I’d finished looking around the Works I headed back towards Costa for my usual Friday lunchtime. I decided to grab a cup of tea today rather than a latte as I’d had a latte yesterday and I thought tea would be a bit more calming.

Now usually I will sit upstairs. I prefer sitting upstairs because I can hide away in a corner. There’s usually only a few other people upstairs. Most people sit downstairs. But today upstairs was closed and none of the tables towards the back of Costa were free. I ended up sitting on a table right out in the middle of Costa right opposite the till and infront of all the sugars and stirrers. Not the best place to sit when your trying to calm down from a panic attack but I had to make the best of a rubbish situation. At least I got a table.

I settled down with my pot of tea, teacake and iPad. I did my usual routine of enjoying my Costa while writing my blogs. It was handy being in Costa because at least I was using their internet rather than my data plan.

When I finished my Costa I headed back through town to start to head home. I needed to pick up some dinner on my way. Now as you know if you’re a regular reader I don’t normally cook on a Friday as Bella isn’t here. But Daly had whined while we were shopping ‘what was for dinner tonight’ I decided to pick up a lasagna on my way how and grab some veg to do with it. I would now make my own lasagna but I didn’t want to tonight.

I managed to walk all the way home, however I nearly gave up. I hate living up a hill, it’s so tiring to walk up. I nearly called Daly to come pick me up but I knew he’d moan that I was lazy to pick me from the end of our road. But I was tired!

When I got in I discovered Liam and Daly sitting on garden chairs in my living room in the dark playing on the PlayStation. I had picked them up another two games while I was in town that Daly had asked me for.

While I was waiting for dinner to cook I ended up sitting on the sofa behind the boys while they played. I wasn’t paying to much attention to them. I decided to catch up on my Youtube subscriptions. I keep getting so far behind. I’m guessing I’m subscribed to too many people.

After dinner I dropped Daly off at Zach’s as they were heading out for some drinks and then I swung round to Dawn and Grants to pick up Bella. Poor Dawn, Bella had got her to make a Toot Toot track so her living room was covered with track. We tidied up quickly and then I took Bella home to bed.

Bless her she fell asleep in the car on the way home and didn’t even wake up when we pulled up home. I popped her straight into bed and then I went to chill out in my room. I had bought a new diary today in the hopes I can be organised. It’s a really cool diary, it’s called the Bullet Point Journal.

So I spent some time filling out the diary before turning in for the night myself.

So anxiety will not beat me! I’m determined to try and live my life and I am so grateful I’ve managed to get a doctors appointment. Hopefully next week will be the start of getting my health back on track.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

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