Anxiety stops the World going round – 29th January 2020

Today was a disappointing day. I swear my depression and anxiety is getting worse. I didn’t want to do anything today. It sucks. I curled up on the sofa in the corner away from everything. But I refused to hide in my bed. I felt the sofa was at least a change of scenery and still safe. I snuggled up on the sofa while Bella watched Tiny Pop. We still have no internet and wont have until we move probably. For us to get our internet and phone line fixed requires me talking to my dad and my mental and emotional state is just not up for it.

I spent most of the morning moping and just trying to keep my anxiety in check. I’m currently jumping at every sound and movement. It’s driving me loopy. Just hoping I can get a doctors appointment soon so I can fix this. I’m sick of feeling like the world is out to get me and I know it’s not.

Bella didn’t seem to mind not doing much. She was happy playing with her toys so at least that was something. We got her cars out again but Bella wasn’t happy I wouldn’t build her a track again. I just wasn’t feeling up to it.

After some time playing with her cars, she wanted to dress up as Cinderella – which is a huge hit at the moment. We dressed her up in her pretty dress and then Bella pulled out her make up set. She wanted her nails done a green colour so I painted them for her and then left her to carry on with her make up. She pulled out her eyeshadow and went to town. I left her playing while I decided to try and battle my anxiety and do some bits. Yeah, that didn’t go to well. When I came back to see how Bella was doing with her make up, she had pink eyeshadow all round her eyes and also all over her dress.

Now knowing how upset Bella was going to be if she couldn’t wear her dress, we whipped it off and I chucked it in the washing machine. This meant I could get the dress washed and dried so Bella could wear it tomorrow if she wanted.

Rachel came round during the make up incident. I wasn’t sure she was coming round so we hadn’t planned anything together. Bella was happy to see Rachel, she always is when she turns up. Rachel was happy to spend time with Bella, I asked Rachel if she was happy to watch Bella so I could go for a walk. I find walking eases my anxiety. When my anxiety is high I like to walk lots.

Rachel was happy to watch Bella so I grabbed my headphones and off we went. I find these walks are not necessarily relaxing but it helps burn off my nervous energy. The only problem is I find I walk far too fast. But it’s nice to just switch off, walk and listen to my music.

Once I got home I started on dinner.

After dinner it was time for Bella’s bath. She is so excited when I tell her it’s bathtime now. If I mention it to her half way through dinner she’ll tell me she’s finished and will insist on heading straight up stairs to the bath. I’m glad she’s starting to love baths, they used to be such a battle.

Now Bella had a bit too much fun in the bath. She ended up soaking me and the whole room. She was shrieking away with laughter so it was nice she was having fun but there’s only so much water I can tolerate being thrown out of the bath. She eventually stopped and let me wash her hair. That’s still a little bit of a battle but it’s a bit easier than it used to be.

After her bath I wrapped her up in a snuggly blanket and popped her in my bed. While she was in my bed I jumped in the shower. I wasn’t happy with how wet she had made me and the easiest way to get round it was to get myself soaked. I had a quick shower before having a few cuddles in bed before I sent her to bed.

A bit of a downer day today, I’m getting sick of this anxiety but I’m trying. I know tomorrow will be a busier day, it’s a Thursday.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

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