28th January 2020

This morning started like every other morning. Bella came into me moaning she wanted her TV on. Well she’d managed to turn it on and get the the language menu up on the screen but hadn’t worked out how to get the DVD to get any further. So I crawled out of bed fast forwarded through all the adverts to get to the main menu and start the film. I made my way back into bed and hid under the covers.

When the film came to an end Bella came trotting back into my room and announced she wanted to go downstairs. I told her that was fine and I’d follow her down in a minute. I did follow behind very slowly. I had woken up with a migraine and dizziness. I think my body is trying to give me every signal going that I need to take a break and look after myself but I can’t. I’d love to have just crawled back under the covers and refused to emerge for a year or two but I needed to get up and be with Bella. So out of bed I got and bounced off of various pieces of furniture and out the door. How I didn’t fall down the stairs I have no idea.

When I got downstairs I found Bella snuggled up on sofa, under Daly’s blanket in the dark. She jumped out at me but then told me she wanted to snuggle down and sleep on the sofa. I had no objections to that. That was exactly what I was planning to do.

We started our morning nice and slowly downstairs. Bella snuggled up on her sofa and me on my own under a nice cosy blanket. I popped on Disney Life and we decided it was going to be a Disney day. A nice easy day in the hopes I could keep my anxiety in check and hopefully prevent my migraine from getting worse. The first film Bella wanted to watch was Cinderella.

While Bella watched Cinderella I snuggled on down under my blanket and tried to chill. Liam made me a cup of tea. So I enjoyed being cosy with my cuppa.

Cinderella soon finished. I asked Bella what she wanted to watch next. She asked for Doc McStuffin but I’ve noticed Bella has started to come out with American phrases such as ‘flashlight’ it’s a torch and ‘trash can’ it’s a bin. I’m not happy about this so I have now brought in a highly American influenced children’s programmes ban. So no Doc McStuffin or Paw Patrol for the time being until she starts using the English names for things.

As we now have an American children’s TV ban I was in control of what Disney films we were going to watch. Scrolling through I gave Bella the option of films but she wanted Doc McStuffin. So I chose Aladdin. I know she has seen it in the past but she was not interested at all. Well that was until the film had been on for two seconds and then she was fully absorbed. I obviously made a good choice.

Our day continued like that with me popping various films on. By the end of the day we had watched Cinderella, Aladdin, the Lion King, Lady and the Tramp and the Aristocats. Bella didn’t spend all day in front of the TV. I did manage to get her play – it also helped a little with my anxiety.

I pulled out all her Toot Toots, well I say all. All but her massive race track that stands in her play room. It sits in 3 boxes and I lined these up against the wall so she could build a track. She didn’t want to build a track though. Nope she wanted me to build the track. So that’s how I spent an hour of my day. On the living room floor getting frustrated when the track wouldn’t line up properly and wishing we had more track (we have tons)

After an hour of trying to manipulate these pieces of track and telling Bella to go away until I’d finished, I eventually had completed my massive track that nearly filled our living room. Bella was finally allowed to play with it. It seems mumma did good because she was happily playing with it all afternoon.

Now building the track had put my anxiety on hold for the hour I was distracted but as soon as I’d finished it was like it came back with avengance. I was jumping everytime I heard a car outside the house. I actually ended up going round and shut all the curtains at the front of the house and closed off the hall way so I couldn’t see the front door. I hid back in my blanket cocoon but my anxiety feeds me so much anxious energy that I have to burn it off. I get this fidgety feeling and have to walk.

Now that sounds completely backwards when I’m shutting myself off from the world. I mean I’m quite surprised I haven’t bought myself a treadmill so I can walk without leaving the house. I’d say that’s my next step but I don’t want my anxiety to keep me prisoner in my own house. I had a letter to post so I decided that a little walk to the post box might do me some good.

Daly was awake now so I left him with Bella while I took a quick walk around the block to the post box. I chose the wrong time to go though. I went for my walk just as it was school kicking out time and there is a school at the top of my road. Not to mention we’re in the middle of four secondary schools. But I survived, I had my headphones in, I listened to my music and I made it there and back without having a melt down.

When I got home though my anxiety was still high. I pretty much just hid in Daly’s arms and kept telling him he wasn’t allowed to go to work. Sadly he went anyways. The meany.

Once Daly had left I worked out I had about an hour before I needed to start dinner. I thought it was the perfect time to blog so ran upstairs to grab my laptop. However as I walked into our bedroom I spotted a pile of towels and that set my anxiety off a little more. Here comes the tidy urge from my anxiety. So instead of writing my blogs I went in the bathroom and tidied our linen closet.

We have a ridiculous amount of duvet covers and pillow cases so I pulled the whole cupboard out and organised it. I sorted them all out into toddler bed, singles, doubles, and king. Duvet sets for guests and ones for Daly and my bed. And then rearranged the towels as well. Bella came and joined me and kept running off with her duvet sets but I eventually got it all sorted and back in the cupboard. I did end up with a massive pile of duvet sets to go to charity though. Most of them Rachel’s but a few of mum and dads.

By the time I had finished into the linen closet it was time to start cooking dinner. Tonight I was cooking chilli. I craved it so badly when I was pregnant and I’m so happy I’ve finally found a decent recipe to use as an outline. I never follow recipes, I just use them as a guideline.

I had all the spices this time that the recipe said but one of them I couldn’t stand the smell of. I thought I’d made a terrible mistake after I’d put it in and the smell was making me feel sick and adding to my headache but it turned out ok.

Turns out Liam and Bella both love my chilli so that is a plus. Liam could smell it from upstairs and I do love that the smell fills the house.

A nice chilled out Tuesday in some senses with films all day but highly stressful with the amount of anxiety and therefore adrenaline coursing through my body. Hopefully I can get a doctors appointment soon and start to get this under control as I don’t think living in a blanket fort is an option.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventure tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

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