Shopping with Rachel – 21st January 2020

I kinda have plans for today, it’s just whether I can do them. We had a go slow morning. I wanted to go shopping to try and finish buying these Birthday presents that I tried to buy last friday. I didn’t blog what happened last Friday. I was going to but I ended up pulling up my back while shopping town so my long day enjoying time to myself, doing some shopping and having my weekly Costa was brought to an abrupt end with Daly picking me up so I could go home and rest up with a lot of pain killers. So we were going to attempt shopping again.

I did a bit of tidying in the morning leading to our slow start and then I started to consider shopping. Just as I was about to get myself ready Liam said Rachel was here. Now that completely threw me because Rachel works on a Tuesday. But it turns out she was off. So she popped into see us and I suggested going shopping over on the island. It also meant that I could get rid of the charity shop bits I had in my hall way that had been sat there for ages. I also asked her if dad had messaged her. He had messaged me this morning saying that he would be in touch within the week about putting the house on the market. Which completely set my anxiety off. I still haven’t come to terms with mum’s death, I haven’t even begun to deal and process with it even though it happened over a year ago. So even though I knew it was coming I’ still not mentally in a place to deal with that. It took us ges to sort out mum’s bed room – and there are still items of mum’s in her bedroom that I haven’t gone through. Mum had an office that is filled topped to toe with stuff and we haven’t even touched it. I can’t bring myself to and although Rachel is good with this stuff she works full time and doesn’t want to spend all her time off going through mum’s stuff. So I needed to get out of the house, get away from anything that linked me with the house so I didn’t have to deal with it. Thank god for my sister.

I’m still dreading when dad gets in touch again about the house. I know it needs to be done but if I haven’t taken the time to grieve and process and I can’t even bring myself to go through mum’s stuff how am I suppose to do that in a week. I mean I have simple little tasks I know I can do and I know need to be done but I can’t bring myself to do them. I just feel so panicked and even though I know the consequences of not doing these little tiny jobs – nothing on the scale of clearing a room out – I just can’t bring myself to do them. I want to, I know I need to but I can’t. The only positive from all this is it’s given me the push to actually seek help. As I said to Rachel when she turned up, I don’t think it’s a case of if I’m going to have a complete break down it’s a case of when and dealing with everyone else’s rubbish on top is just making things worse. I need a nice long holiday away from everyone and everything and just hide away until I’m ready to face the world. So I’ll be back in a couple of years.

Bella had spent all morning watching Doc McStuffin on Disney Life while I tried to get my life together. She really likes Doc McStuffin and Princess Sofia at the moment. I suppose it’s a nice break from Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.

Anyways, Rachel tried to help me by getting Bella ready to go out but she didn’t want that. So instead I got Bella ready and Rachel packed the car with the charity shop items. So I thought we were all ready to go but Bella wasn’t ready, she wanted a snack. So we sorted her out a snack and once she’d eaten that we were ready to roll.

I popped Bella’s car seat into Rachel’s car and then we headed off to the retail park on the island. First stop when we got there Cancer Research. I was struggling with sorting Bella out and popping her coat on when we got out of the car. Rachel disappeared and soon reappeared with a trolley and filled it with the boxes. In the time it took me to get Bella out of the car, coat on and walk her across to the Cancer Research shop Rachel had found a trolley, loaded the trolley, taken it into the store and already donated it all.

Bella and I spent some time looking at the clothes – she is growing too fast at the moment, she’s growing out of her clothes so quickly so any I can find that I like and are cheap are a bonus. Bella spent her time playing with all the toys. We found lots of giant unicorns and she found an Elsa Barbie doll. I convinced her to put them down but then she found a few Toot Toot driver building which she really wanted. She likes the Toot Toot drives but if you’ve been with me from the beginning you might remember she had got quite a bit of Toot Toot pieces over the past year.. Resulting in quite a lot at both home and her grandparents.

Rachel came and joined us and tried to convince Bella she didn’t need any toys with Christmas just been and her birthday coming soon. While Rachel was dealing with the moody toddler I paid for a few clothing items I had found. A cute little tartan dress, I love tartan clothes and a pair of pastel linen trousers. I had asked Bella if she liked the trousers and she said no but I didn’t care I liked them so was buying them for her.

Just as we were about to leave Bella found a sofa set she liked and wanted to try out. It turned out there was a sombrero on the sofa so Rachel tried it on for size. Bella got a little jealous and wanted to try it on but then she did and finally she did again. She looked very cute in this giant hat but I think Rachel wore it better.

Our next stop was Poundland. I picked up a few little bits we needed for the house and then raided the kids clothes. Bella saw a Minnie Mouse jumper she wanted and at Poundland prices I was happy to buy it for her. I love Poundland jumpers, they aren’t that thick so they are nice and lightweight to wear over clothes and because they aren’t too expensive they are ideal for nursery. I also picked her up a pair of rose gold trainers for nursery. Her ones are starting to get a little tight and these were just too cute to pass up. We tried them on in the clothing aisle and Bella wanted to wear them there and then. I had to tell her we had to pay for them before she could wear them which she wasn’t too happy with but she agreed.

Just as we were heading to the checkout we found the sale clothing. I raided it to see if I could find Bella anything. I came across some panda trousers for her that I though Paige would like, she loves pandas. They had a few more of those lightweight jumpers I like but sadly none in her size so we just had to just leave it. We can use her Christmas ones at nursery. I mean they may last her until next Christmas but I’m not holding my breath.

Once we had paid for everything and left Poundland, we put on Bella’s new trainers and she became slightly happier. We now hit the last store on the retail park – B and M. I was still looking for these birthday presents. So up and down the aisles we went. I again picked up a few bits I needed for home but couldn’t find anything present worthy.

We hit the candle aisle and I am that annoying person that has to smell every candle but also mutters to myself about the smell of them. I am a very fussy candle smell person. There are not many I like so it’s very hard for me to find one I like. B and M seem to be getting more scented candles in. I remember when it used to be a tiny little section at the end of the random house decor aisle. You know the one I mean. All the inspiration quote plaques, photo frames, random metal words and fake plants. Now their candles are like half an aisle to themselves so a lot of sniffling and disgusted noises.

I did get quite annoyed because I could smell a candle I really liked but when it came to the sniff test of all the candles I couldn’t find it. Very disappointing. They do have a sweetie range with ones such as Love Hearts and Squishies. Now I can’t stand Parma Violets from eating too much as a child. The thought of them actually makes me feel sick but the scented candle was lovely. I could of happily purchased that but I think I need to use up the candles I have first.

We carried on through the store and I still couldn’t find anything for people for their presents. In the toy aisle I did find one for Bella thought. They had a little princess accessory set, with a crown and shoes and jewelry. I thought it would be ideal for Bella as she really loves dressing up and her princesses. I asked her which set she wanted, they had a pink set and a blue set and with her loving both Sleeping Beauty and Elsa I left the decision to her. In the end she chose the blue set which goes perfectly with one of her other presents I have bought her.

We headed back to the car once we’d paid and loaded up. I had asked if we could go to Tescos. I prefer their pull ups for Bella and the one on the island has a nice big clothing section so I thought I might get lucky with a present or two.

Bella wanted nuggets though. It’s getting bad how much she wants nuggets and sadly when were out shopping there aren’t many cheap options. So our first stop was McDonalds. I had to direct Rachel as she only knows how to get to the retail park on the island. I however know my way round the island very easily. I used to be over here all the time when I first passed.

We made it to McDonalds, ordered and found a seat. They were so quick with the food I didn’t even get a chance to get Bella a colouring sheet. We happily ate in silence and Bella watched the work men outside. They were cleaning the path and the drains. Bella was fascinated by the hose. So at least she had some dinner time entertainment.

Once lunch was finished with I walked Bella round to Tescos while Rachel drove the car round. I didn’t want to put Bella in the car for a two second drive so we faced the cold and walked. We met Rachel by the door but Bella had other ideas. She had seen the Bob the Builder digger by the entrance. Now these are easy to get her out of as long as I don’t mind wasting a pound. Bella will jump straight out of them as soon as they start moving but it’s a bit of an expensive way to get her off them.

She eventually gave up with it and headed into the store with Rachel while I grabbed a trolley. As I walked though the main doors I could hear Bella calling me. I found Bella and Rachel over by the flowers. Bella wanted to buy a bunch of yellow and orange roses. I had no problem with that. They were only £2 and there is nothing wrong with buying yourself flowers. In the trolley they went and we headed to the very far end of the store to raid the clothes. We managed to loose Rachel pretty quickly so Bella and I were hunting round the aisle calling for her.

Bella found the fancy dress clothes and was looking at the various costumes. She found a Jessie costume (from Toy Story) but she didn’t like that one too much. She prefered Woody. We then headed to the sales rack a found a few more outfits. First Jasmine (from Aladdin) and then Bella (from Beauty and the Beast). Bella really liked Belle’s dress but I wasn’t too sure about it as she had had so many fancy dress costumes over Christmas. Then we came across the actually fancy dress section where there was Elsa (Frozen), Rapunzel (Tangled) and Ariel (Little Mermaid). Bella really liked the Rapunzel dress but again I didn’t want to buy her one with her birthday so close. We need ideas for other people so I can’t buy them all.

We eventually found Rachel and headed down the toy aisle. Bella found one of those Hatchimals which I do not agree with. What is it with all the toys nowadays being surprises and collect them all. I’d like to know what I’m actually buying my daughter so I don’t waste money on three of the same thing. I do not agree with that marketing tactic at all. Kinder eggs are fine but flipping Hatchimals and LOL dolls – nope I don’t agree with them.

We finally got Bella to put the Hatchimal down and headed down the next aisle of toys which also had all the seasonal (weather wise) items. It was full of camping equipment. Bella saw the sleeping bags and decided we need a few of them. She quickly popped two in the trolley and then Rachel battled with her over the third. To be fair she’d chosen enough so Daly, Bella and I could all go camping but we don’t need sleeping bags. I did however let her dad know that Bella wanted to go camping, something I have wanted to do for a while.

We finally made it in to the baby aisle so I could pick up pull ups and then called it a day. I couldn’t find anything appropriate for birthday presents so I’ll have to give that a go another day. As we walked back up towards the tills Bella ran ahead and headed into the clothes aisles. And played hide and seek. She was so cute with all we could see were her feet under all the clothes. Rachel and I stood there commenting on how we couldn’t see Bella and how we’d have to go home without her. She was a very good hider. She didn’t come out for a good two minutes.

We were able to set on our way again and I paid for all our bits at the till. We headed back home for a chilled out afternoon. We went the back way home and Rachel ended up getting a little lost. I ended up having to direct her before we ended up on one of the new housing estates in town. Bless her, I think I took her out of her comfort zone with locations today. I noticed I started to have a bit of a panic attack on the way home. For some reason the idea of going back to the house was making me really anxious. I don’t know if it was because I was going home and having to face the reality of attempting to get my mind into the right space to sort things out or what.

When we got home Bella got her toys out, with her little house and bus and played quietly. I was pretty thankful for that. The panic attack had taken it out of me and I was pretty tired. I was trying hard to stay awake. Bella happily played with her little princess figures and Optimus Prime while I tried to gather my strength to carry on with the day.

After a little bit of playing it came to my attention that Bella wanted her flowers so we went into the kitchen and I showed her how to look after them. We took them out of the packet and then I cut about an inch off each of the stems. Once the stem was cut Bella popped the roses into the vase. Once they were all in the vase I gave Bella a jug of water so she could fill the vase.

Once her roses were arranged we placed them in the living room to brighten the place up.

So not these best day but kinda productive I suppose. At least I actually did something. Sadly no birthday presents bought which was the main goal of the day. Oh well maybe tomorrow.

Night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

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