My anxiety has been playing up big time. I’ve been trying to push myself recently. Maybe I’ve pushed myself too far. Maybe my brain feels it’s grounded me for so long and pretended everything is ok and now it’s refusing. I don’t eve know what’s triggered this sudden surge of anxiety. I haven’t pushed myself too far out of my comfort zone. But I have that horrible feeling in my stomach. I know the science behind what causes it but that doesn’t help.
Do you know what makes you feel like butterflies in your stomach? Turns out it’s the fight or flight instinct. The reason your tummy feels funny is because when you’re in a fight or flight situation the body pumps blood to the vital organs and away from lesser organs. You stomach is one of those lesser organs. This is so you have plenty of bloody you limbs to fight or fly and the main organs are getting the extra blood it needs. Or something like that. I am not a medical professional so I only know the basics I have been told by various counsellors. So this process results in the butterfly feeling.
Now people say when you understand things it makes them less scary. But I’m not scared of the butterfly feeling I just don’t know what is causing my brain to think I’m in a fight or flight situation.
I’ve taken my meds. In fact I’ve taken double the amount today – it’s perfectly safe I’m allowed to double up my daily dose if I’m having a bad day. But even with the meds my heart is still racing, my stomach still feels weird and I’m hiding on the sofa under a blanket watching films and panicking about how I’m going to feed my daughter.
I remember mum telling me that at one point her anxiety got so bad she had to ring the doctor because she couldn’t get off the sofa. And that’s how I feel right now. I don’t want to leave my cosy little corner on the sofa. I don’t want to cook dinner. I don’t want to do anything.
I want to cry, I want to throw up, I want to hide under a blanket forever and never come out. This sucks. If there had been a trigger it wouldn’t be bugging me so much but no trigger. I mean I want to lock my front door but no ones going to get through my front door.
Good thing Bella likes films, she’s been so good since I made Daly bring me home. I couldn’t cope with being out I had to be safe at home. So glad Daly has put up with this the whole time we’ve been together. Not a good thing but it helps him understand and help.
So if I manage to do a daily blog go me, if not I’m sorry but I’m hiding in my blanket fort on the sofa.
Remember, if you suffer from anxiety, you’ll have days like this. The thing you have to know is, it’s just a blip. It’s not always going to be this way. We’re all allowed bad days. It’a stepping back and accepting that it’s ok. Look for the little achievements today. Just because they are little doesn’t mean they’re not worth anything. The biggest thing is those little things mean the world on these days.
Love CiCi x