I made it out the house today – every fibre of my body is screaming, I feel sick, I’m shaking, I can feel myself getting dizzy and I’m struggling to breath. But outside I look fine. I’m my happy go lucky self. On my face is my smile, I’m laughing and joking. Occasionally I become quiet and the mask cracks but pretty quickly I’ll replace it. I just have to take my time to compose my self and put on my social face.
I’m terrified. I want to be sat in the corner of my living room wrapped in a blanket with the door locked, key in the door so no one can get in and the curtain closed. Not moving to eat, do the household chores or even manage to interact with my daught. My daughter has got used to this empty person in the corner. My daughter shouldn’t have a mum like this. She should have a mum who plays with her. A mum who reads her stories, join in her tea party’s. Her mum wants to do these things but feels safer in blanket cocoon where she doesn’t have to deal with the world. The world of wills, probate, mum’s estate, the fear of the utilities being turned off, being kicked out of the house not to mention everything else to deal with that isn’t linked to mum’s death oh and dealing with that and trying to get my head round life without mum.
I don’t want to leave the house. Occasionally I have to. I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t want to see people. I want to hide away. I struggle everyday to do the simplest thing. I’m proud of my self when I manage to cook my daughter a nutritional dinner. Or I managed to get dressed. People don’t see the internal battle I have to get out of bed or to enter a building when I finally out. Talking to people, even people I’ve known for years, my closest friends scare the hell out of me.
I tell myself the whole time I’m being stupid there’s nothing to be scared of but my brain and body don’t see that. It just sees the panic and fear. It wants to be safe. Every cell in my body tells me I’m unsafe. It’s a horrible way to live. People say they understand but do they? People say things all the time but I have a hard time trusting them. I want to feel safe but I don’t want to let people in. People in the past have said they’ll be there or that they’ll do something and then disappeared or gone back on their word. It maybe a little thing to them but to me it’s a huge thing.
My biggest security net is gone. My one and only cheerleader. My world and hero! She’s gone, she’s not coming back. The one person who no matter what was always on my side. The one person there telling don’t let the bastard get you down. I don’t have that anymore. It breaks my heart.
I was struggling before she left me. Struggling with my family roles and responsibility. I can’t do it! I don’t want to do it! But I need to be an adult, a big sister, a mother, a wife, the head of my family. And the thing is I’m struggling. I’ve always struggled. I’ve been like this since I was 10 and it’s just progressively got worse.
I want to be happy, I want to enjoy life, I want to be a good mum, a hood wife. I want to protect my sister from the world. But I don’t want to leave my blanket cocoon. I dont want to pretend I’m fine. It’s exhausting. Holding a conversation with anyone is an effort but people don’t see that.
Love is hard and a constant battle for me. I may look happy or involved on the outside but inside I’m falling apart and fighting every cell to run away and hide.
I made it out of the house today. That’s today’s first battle. But I will fight 50 more today before the day is through.