My anxiety is getting worse – 17th April 2019

This morning was not good. My anxiety is becoming uncontrollable again which is not good at all. Rachel and I had planned on actually going and doing these Easter photos with the daffodils and then going to the arcades at the seaside. Sadly Rachel wasn’t able to do that as she had to wait in for a package. I spent this morning trying to get my anxiety under control enough for me to leave the house and go to Asda.

Bella had been running low on wipes but I knew I needed to get some so I thought if I couldn’t build up the courage to do the photos on my own I should at least be able to go to Asda. I sat humming and haing all morning about going and then a nappy emergency meant I had no choice to sit around anymore. I ended up actually running out of wipes while changing Bella’s nappy and having to go back to old school cloth and water to clean her. That was my kick up the butt to get out of the house.

As we drove down the road between mine and Rachel’s I prayed Oli’s package had turned up and I’d see her walking towards mine so I could grab her and wouldn’t have to go to Asda alone. That’s the rubbish thing as a mum, doesn’t matter how bad my anxiety is, how much I want to hide or cry or run away I can’t. I’m just glad Bella was with me otherwise I would not have gone.

We managed to get to Asda, I was still shaking, panicking and wanting my sister to just magically turn up but no luck. Bella and I went in the store and did some shopping, we picked up some wipes and Easter eggs for Oli and Rachel. I was so grateful when we were back in the car and could go home.

As soon as I got home the cleaning and sorting motivation hit me. Maybe this is my way of dealing with my anxiety at the moment – when I have the energy. As it’s been such a nice day today I opened our back door and thought about sorting out bits so Bella could play in the garden. My first job was to clean out Bella’s water tray which was full of scummy water. Once I had cleaned it out I went to check Daly was awake for work.

While I was upstairs chatting to Daly I heard the front door go. Daly had heard some kind of noise as well and made a comment along the lines of the child was awake – she’d fallen asleep on the way home from Asda. However not the case, and she certainly wouldn’t be opening and closing the front door. Instead there was a Rachel at the bottom of our stairs. She’d come round to sort the garden out because it had been annoying her. It’s been annoying all of us.

Rachel and Daly helped each other take down our giant trampoline. It takes up half the garden but it’s too big for Bella so we’d rather have the space for her toys. Daly had to stop half way through to go to work but Rachel managed to get the frame down by herself.

Bella was enjoying the freedom of being able to play outside and find all her garden toys again. I however don’t do nature so I didn’t go outside much. I’m also rubbish at gardening but Rachel has been working hard on her own garden so I put all my faith in her. Bella wanted to go on her swing so I pushed her on the swing while Rachel decluttered.

After clearing a bit, Rachel decided to give it a break so she stopped with the gardening and I chilled with some tv. It’s nice to actually have a garden again and space rather than a massive trampoline. Hopefully we will get to use it more as the weather continues to get better.

Anyways night all and let’s see what adventure tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

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