Topsy Turvy day – 7th February 2020

Today was a bit of a topsy turvy day. Normally Bella goes to her grandparents on a Friday but that didn’t happen today as they were both working. That kinda put my plans on hold but we coped.

Our morning was mainly spent with Bella deciding her giant piano was the best toy ever. The problem was I was taking it to the charity shop. That had been my plan for today. All the stuff I had sorted out on Wednesday I loaded into the car and was planning on dropping it to the charity shop once I’d dropped Bella with her grandparents. Now I hadn’t managed to get the piano out of the house yet which meant Bella was still able to find it.

She had dragged it out from the hall way where it had been sat waiting to go in the car and laid it out across the living room floor. She was having great fun running up and down it making lots of noise. She even got her baby and was making her jump up and down on the keys across the piano. It was nice to see her having so much fun with the toy but knowing how often she has played with it since she’s had it I didn’t feel bad about shipping it off to the charity shop.

Now as I wasn’t able to do my normal routine we kinda made the day up as we went. After I’d got Bella dressed I pulled out my Little Mermaid photo backdrop so I could see how big it was and what it actually looked like. I had bought it ages ago and then just set it with the rest of my backdrops. It turns out my mermaid backdrop is pretty big. In fact it’s the largest backdrop I have. It’s in need of being ironed to get all the creases out of it but I’ll do that another day. We laid it out on the floor and because Bella saw it was an under the sea scene she decided she was going to lay on it and pretend to swim. She is so funny.

The rest of the day I had a bit of a hyper child. She was climbing all over the furniture and running around like a loon. She didn’t seem to stop. I can see why I need my day a week where she goes to her grandparents. There was no stopping her today. She kept climbing on to the back of the sofas and pretending she was a cat. I know we have a pet cat but I have no idea where that has come from.

We managed to make our way through the day without any injuries considering the amount of climbing Bella had done. This child has far too much energy at the end of the week.

Bit of a lack of actual activities or things to write about today but as I like to keep these blogs daily, here is today.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

Come for a Walk with Me – 6th February 2020

We got up nice and early this morning. Bella wasn’t too happy about getting up this morning for babyballet but I managed to coax her out of her room but letting her take her pirate ship downstairs. She happily ate her breakfast while playing with the ship. I wasn’t the happiest about it but if it meant my morning battle was going to be easier I’ll go with it.

We got up and dressed into Bella’s ballet outfit and headed off to ballet. This morning seemed to be a better morning at ballet than we have in the past. No real tantrums. She like always enjoyed singing Incy Wincy Spider before playing hide away behind her knees. She’s getting very good at hitting her positions.

About half way through the class the parachute came out. Bella was so excited like normal. She helped shake the parachute up and down, before Miss Paige let them all go underneath the parachute. After running around under it for a while, Miss Paige asked them to all lay down under the parachute and tried to kick the canopy with their toes. Bella did really well kicking her toes and reaching the canopy. So much better than she used to do.

After the parachute Miss Paige turned all the girls into Sugar Plum fairies. They skipped around the room with their wands. As a treat Miss Paige brought out the bubble gun and the girls ran around underneath popping the bubbles with their wands. Miss Paige had asked them to catch them but why do that when you can pop them. I was scared that Bella was going to end up hitting someone over the head with her wand but thankfully there were no injuries.

Next up Miss Paige wanted to try their galloping steps as a group in a circle. Bella was brilliant, she got up and joined the circle holding hands with a new little girl. It was nice to be able to sit and watch Bella take part in the activity. She tried really hard and even helped the girl next to her.

We finished the class with the shakers followed by hugs with Twinkl. Bella happily danced around with Twinkl and blew her kisses to finish the class.

After lunch at home, we got ready for nursery. I got Bella dressed and then we drove to nursery. She looked so cute in her little kitty cat coat as she balanced along the edge of the flower beds outside nursery.

After I’d dropped Bella off I decided to take a walk. The weather was lovely and it wasn’t too cold. I took a walk over to the park. I walked through the graveyard and took a few photos of the architecture and there circled round to head back towards home going through the housing estate behind ours.

As I walked through the estate I came across a large grass area with lots of daffodils. I stopped to try out some of the pro settings on my phone camera. I made a mental note of where I found the daffodils. I’d been looking for a field of daffodils last year to do a spring photoshoot with Bella. I now know where I’m going this year for a spring photoshoot.

I picked Bella up from nursery when she finished and we headed home for a nice relaxed afternoon. When we got home Bella found the Argos catalogue and led on the floor flicking through it. She seems to have got into the idea of looking through toy catalogues to find things she’d like for her birthday.

We had a pretty good day today. Bella enjoyed herself at ballet and I enjoyed the winter sun on my afternoon walk.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

Playing and Sorting kinda day – 5th February 2020

Wednesdays are normally days with Rachel but she was busy today. She was off snowboarding – brave girl. So instead we had another chilled out day at home. I started off my day with a shower rather than ending it. It was only a quick shower but surprisingly Bella didn’t follow me upstairs into the bathroom.

Once I got out of the shower I returned down stairs with Bella and she happily played with her toys. I was still pretty cold so I ended up curling up on the sofa under my fluffy blanket with the cat. Misty was obviously feeling cold.

Bella started her morning playing with her little FiFi and the Flower Tops house and her little princesses. She was making little games up with them and making them talk to each other. As well as her house she also pulled out her little Toot Toot dog house.

As Bella was happily playing and I’d eventually dragged myself off the sofa and into the playroom. I managed to sort out a lot of her toys. I managed to get a lot of her kitchen toys to one side so I could move them upstairs into Bella’s room. Then I sorted through all her games and books. I sorted out a few toys and books to go to the charity shop. With Christmas been and gone and her birthday on her way it was probably time to get rid of some of her old toys. I bagged them up and then popped them all in the hall ready to take another time.

Once I’d finished in the playroom I headed back into the living room where Bella was curled up on the sofa and dozing. She has been feeling under the weather recently so I’ve been letting her sleep as much as she wants. Need my little girl back to fighting form. I watched a few things on TV and then started dinner.

I decided on an easy dinner tonight. Jacket potatoes and a range of toppings. Beans, cheese, coleslaw but sadly no salad bits tonight. There was no vegetables in the kitchen for me to make a salad with.

Bella really enjoyed her dinner, she loves to play with the potato. She seems to enjoy the texture of squishing it between her fingers. She also loves coleslaw. I think she ate nearly half a big tub of it.

After dinner it was bath time. Thankfully the water wasn’t thrown around as much as last time but we still ended up pretty wet. Bella had fun playing with the bubbles, we actually ended up putting more bubbles in the water. She likes to pretending to clean when she’s in the bath. She uses the flannel the wipe down the sides of the bath and even the tiles.

She’s getting better at letting me wash her hair. She helps by wetting her hair and then letting me finish off the rest. It means there’s not as many tears or water thrown everywhere.

Once her bath was over we headed back into my room where we got dressed into PJ’s and chilled out. Bella was happily playing hide and seek at the end of the bed. That’s when she wasn’t going through Daly’s drawers.

I finally got Bella settled into her bed and she read me a story. She loves the book Farm Babies. She goes through all the pages telling me who the animals are and how many there are of each.

It wasn’t long before she settled down for bed and I was able to leave her.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

Cosy day – 4th February 2020

Tuesdays are lazy days it seems. We still have no internet which means sadly for Bella there is no Disney Life. Instead we curled up on the sofa to watch Tiny Pop. I’ve discovered that PJ Masks is on Tiny Pop so that seems to have pleased Bella. She can’t stand adverts though. She gets so annoyed when they come on.

We curled up on the sofa together. I had woken up extremely dizzy so wasn’t a huge fan getting out of bed. The house was freezing so Bella and I bundled up under lots of blankets to try and stay warm and watched the TV

Bella must have started to feel the cold more it seemed even though the heating was on. I actually ended up hugging the radiator while Bella snuggled into me. She has been very cuddly recently. I wonder if she’s starting to come down with something.

I tried tidying a bit of Bella’s playroom while I wasn’t so dizzy. But that didn’t last long. I’ve started to put a few little bits aside to go to the charity shops but the dizziness soon came back. Back to laying on the sofa.

I again tried to get some things done despite my dizziness. I had an hour to kill before I had to start cooking dinner so I decided to sit up at the dinning room table and get some blogging done. I feel like they aren’t that exciting at the moment. We haven’t really been anywhere or done anything exciting. We’re pretty much sat at home except for days with our little routines.

It was soon 5.30pm so I went into the kitchen to start dinner. I was cooking spaghetti bolognese for dinner but I wanted to have some meatballs with it. Daly and Liam had told me to try making my own. Now that I was all up for except the fact it meant I was going to have messy hands. I hate getting messy. I found a recipe online that I altered slightly for my need. It seemed pretty easy to make I ended up making quite a few and popped them in the oven.

Turns out I popped them in the oven at too high a temperature. I’m used to celsius vs gas mark but it turns out this recipe was american and in fahrenheit. I sadly didn’t realise and ended up cooking everything on too high a heat. I mean like double the heat I was suppose to cook them on.

Dinner was ok. My spaghetti bolognese sauce turned out ok but the meat balls were extremely crispy on the outside. They were quite nice inside though. Liam says he’s going to make them for me next time. I’m not very good at cooking, I try but it doesn’t always work out.

After dinner Bella played for a little bit before I took her upstairs to bed. She settled down quickly thankfully and I asked Liam if he was happy to keep an ear out for Bella so I could go out for a walk. I love that I’m able to get back into that habit when I need to. It eases my anxiety so much.

It was a nice walk. It was cold but the speed I walk means I end up working up quite a sweat. I’m usually melting by the time I get home. But I just love going for a walk, listening to my music and emptying my mind.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

1st February 2020

We woke up this morning to find Daly asleep on the sofa. When Bella had woken me up at 7am I had found Daly hadn’t come to bed. I figured he had either fallen asleep in bed with Liam – they had been playing on the PlayStation in his room last night when I had gone to bed. Either that or he had crashed on the sofa downstairs. It turns out the latter was correct. Bella was quite surprised to find daddy asleep on the sofa but she didn’t let it bother her. She happily pulled out her toys and played.

Daly woke up but he wasn’t quite with it. He was still very tired from being up all night playing on the PlayStation. He decided he was going to carry on with his gaming.

After a while of Daly playing PlayStation and drifting in and out of sleep he finally decided he was going to get up and do something. We had planned on having a movie day but Bella was bouncing off the walls and Daly was barely awake.

I needed to head down to the post box to drop a letter off and where Bella was running around the living room and bouncing off the sofas I thought I’d take her with me. As I was going for a walk with Bella, Daly decided he was going to wash the car because he can not let it get dirty lol. He pulled out the jet wash and set it up outside. Bella wanted to bring her pram and against my better judgment I let her. I remembered the last time I took Bella for a walk with her pram, it was a shorter walk but she gave up with the pram as we got out of the close. We popped baby in the pram and wrapped her up in a blanket. I added my letter to the pram and then Bella and I popped our coats on.

It was nice and sunny outside. Bella happily pushed her pram down the road as we left the close. I was pretty impressed she stopped her pram on the edge of the curbs.

We made our way down the road to the post box. Once we made it to the post box Bella posted the letter. I had to pick her up so she could reach. After the letter was posted I told Bella it was time to go home. The problem was she didn’t want to go home the way we came. Luckily even though we lie in a dead end road there are quite a few little walk ways and alleys that can be used. So we headed in the opposite direction to home so I could direct her through these walk ways. She carried on pushing her pram and only stopped when I had to carry it up some steps.

Bella was a little weary when a good of boys were coming up the path behind us but I reassured her they were ok and not to be scared. I’ve found most groups of scary teenage boys are actually really sweet and try to make Bella feel comfortable. I mean I’ve had one boy on a bike practically throw himself off his bike into an oncoming car in a car park to avoid crashing into my trolley with Bella in it so I don’t think they deserve all the bad press they get. Because I’d told Bella the boys were ok she insisted on stopping and waving to them all as they headed off in the opposite direction to us.

We eventually made it back to the house. With Bella only getting fed up with pushing the pram as we came into view of the house again. Daly had nearly finished washing the car as we walked up the drive. He was just left to dry it off and polish it while we settled back into the house.

Just as Daly had finished with the car I realised we had forgotten to pick up some pizzas for dinner tonight. It’s our usual Saturday routine. Pizzas on the floor while we sit around and watch Saturday night TV. Daly and I headed out quickly to Food Warehouse to pick up some pizzas as well as a few little bits we had forgotten yesterday. I told you that phone call to the doctor had thrown me out.

When we got home I popped the pizzas in the oven and then set up the TV so I could watch the Masked Singer. Liam and I have really got into it trying to work out who the singers are. It’s an infuriating show but they know how to make it work. They lure you in with the mystery and then you have to keep coming back each week to see if the singer you want to find out about had been kicked out and unmasked. Daly moaned about the fact it was more of my rubbish TV but it turns out he really got into it too.

Pretty exciting there was a double eviction but none of us guessed the celebs right. We’ll have to try again next week and see if we can get any then.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

Panic Attacks will not Beat me – 31st January 2020

We were late up this morning. Daly was off and he was going to drop Bella at his parents for me this morning before picking me up so we could do a food shop. We eventually dragged ourselves out of bed and while I got myself dressed and tried to become alive, Daly got Bella ready. I had pulled out some clothes for Bella and threw them down the stairs for Daly to sort out.

Soon Bella was already to go to Grandma’s. She wanted to wear her wellies – they seem to be her favourite shoes at the moment. We had a mim melt down over who was going to put her boots on but soon that was resolved and she let me pop her boots on. She’s become pretty independant recently so wants to carry her own backpack. She doesn’t even want to take it off when she’s in the car. We’d popped her juice and baby in the backpack so she didn’t have to carry it or loose them in the car. She said her goodbyes to me and then headed on out with Daly.

While Daly was out taking Bella to his parents I settled down on the sofa to have some breakfast. I had picked up some frozen fruit the other day to mix up my cereal. The only problem was some of the fruit was a bit tart. I don’t really like red currents but I sucked it up and enjoyed taking it slow in the morning.

Daly returned and I headed off out with him. We were going to ASDA’s to do a food shop. Only problem was I hadn’t written a list so I was working off my memory.

Now as we were driving over to ASDA I ended up having a panic attack. It was triggered just as I was driving out of our road and I was so annoyed with myself that some thing so stupid set me off. We made it to ASDA and I still felt extremely on edge. It threw the whole shopping trip out because I didn’t know what I was suppose to be getting and was freaking out everytime Daly went to walk away.

Now because this trip had triggered a panic attack I checked the time to see if it was the tome to ring the doctors. Our doctors you have to ring at either 8am or 2pm to try and gain an appointment for the following day. Our ASDA has shocking phone signal so while Daly grabbed the last few bits of shopping I stood near the door and tried to get through.

When I eventually got through it was 2.15pm and the line said I was 9th in line. That made me think all the appointments had gone. When I finally got through I thought I was going to be faced with the dreaded we’re sorry all the appointments have gone so you’re going to have to try again tomorrow (or Monday) and you better pray your first in line. However when I said to the lady on the end of the line I wanted an appointment to see the doctor at some point she managed to find me an appointment for Monday morning. I honestly wanted to cry I was so relieved that I was on the path to getting some help and the first step to regaining some control of my life.

I met Daly at the check out and then we headed back to the car. We took a quick trip round to Food Warehouse. Daly wanted to grab some snacks as we were going to have a movie day tomorrow. We grabbed our bits and then I sked Daly to drop me in town. He wasn’t too sure about leaving me in town as my anxiety was still very high but I didn’t want it to stop me.

Daly dropped me outside our shopping centre and told me to call him if I needed him to pick me up. I was determined not to let anxiety control my life and ruin my routines. I went into the Works to pick up a mindfulness journal I had seen because I wanted to see if that might help me gain some control. However when I walked in they were rearranging the shop and the journal was nowhere to be seen. Instead I picked up a mindfulness colouring book.

Once I’d finished looking around the Works I headed back towards Costa for my usual Friday lunchtime. I decided to grab a cup of tea today rather than a latte as I’d had a latte yesterday and I thought tea would be a bit more calming.

Now usually I will sit upstairs. I prefer sitting upstairs because I can hide away in a corner. There’s usually only a few other people upstairs. Most people sit downstairs. But today upstairs was closed and none of the tables towards the back of Costa were free. I ended up sitting on a table right out in the middle of Costa right opposite the till and infront of all the sugars and stirrers. Not the best place to sit when your trying to calm down from a panic attack but I had to make the best of a rubbish situation. At least I got a table.

I settled down with my pot of tea, teacake and iPad. I did my usual routine of enjoying my Costa while writing my blogs. It was handy being in Costa because at least I was using their internet rather than my data plan.

When I finished my Costa I headed back through town to start to head home. I needed to pick up some dinner on my way. Now as you know if you’re a regular reader I don’t normally cook on a Friday as Bella isn’t here. But Daly had whined while we were shopping ‘what was for dinner tonight’ I decided to pick up a lasagna on my way how and grab some veg to do with it. I would now make my own lasagna but I didn’t want to tonight.

I managed to walk all the way home, however I nearly gave up. I hate living up a hill, it’s so tiring to walk up. I nearly called Daly to come pick me up but I knew he’d moan that I was lazy to pick me from the end of our road. But I was tired!

When I got in I discovered Liam and Daly sitting on garden chairs in my living room in the dark playing on the PlayStation. I had picked them up another two games while I was in town that Daly had asked me for.

While I was waiting for dinner to cook I ended up sitting on the sofa behind the boys while they played. I wasn’t paying to much attention to them. I decided to catch up on my Youtube subscriptions. I keep getting so far behind. I’m guessing I’m subscribed to too many people.

After dinner I dropped Daly off at Zach’s as they were heading out for some drinks and then I swung round to Dawn and Grants to pick up Bella. Poor Dawn, Bella had got her to make a Toot Toot track so her living room was covered with track. We tidied up quickly and then I took Bella home to bed.

Bless her she fell asleep in the car on the way home and didn’t even wake up when we pulled up home. I popped her straight into bed and then I went to chill out in my room. I had bought a new diary today in the hopes I can be organised. It’s a really cool diary, it’s called the Bullet Point Journal.

So I spent some time filling out the diary before turning in for the night myself.

So anxiety will not beat me! I’m determined to try and live my life and I am so grateful I’ve managed to get a doctors appointment. Hopefully next week will be the start of getting my health back on track.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

Busy Day, Typical Thursday – 30th January 2020

Oh I did not want to get up this morning. I hate that it is so hard for me to get up in the morning. I have things to do, places to be. I eventually pulled myself out of bed and Bella and I headed downstairs. We had our breakfast and then I had a mini battle with Bella to get her ready for ballet. She was adamant she wasn’t going to ballet instead she was going to nursery. I had to keep reminding her that nursery is after ballet. Eventually Bella was dressed and still in a bad mood. We headed out to the car and in we got. I had a bit of a headache this morning but we’ll see how the day goes.

We made it to ballet and walked in saying hello to everyone. Now todays ballet, instead of starting well and then going down hill, was the opposite. Bella did not want to join in to begin with. She was switching from grumpy to hyper.

Bella didn’t want to join in with the warm up, even with Miss Paige reminding her that her birthday was soon. We were hoping the idea of a Babyballet birthday surprise might get her to join in but nope. Now normally she likes the activities that follow – Incy Wincy Spider and Good toes and Naughty toes. Today they didn’t go so well. Even with me joining in she still didn’t want to play ball.

Turns out Bella wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to join in. Quite a few little ballerinas didn’t want to join in so Miss Paige was quick thinking on her feet and changed up her lesson plan. They were suppose to be doing the hide away game with scarfs but instead she got the girls to hold their scarf out in front of them like reins and they skipped around the room pretending their were horses. That seemed to get them all focused again.

Next up, Sugarplum fairies. Miss Paige handed out the wands turning them all into Sugarplum fairies and then they tiptoed around the room. Bella enjoys being a fairy and flying around the room. I was glad she was willing to join in nicely rather than curled up on my lap.

After skipping around like fairies, everyone sat in a circle and they performed fairy magic. Bella loves doing magic with wands, whenever she has a wand she will come up to me and go Bibbity Bobbity Boo turn you into a frog.

Once all the fairy magic had disappeared from the room the parachute came out. Bella was very excited but she’s far more focused when it comes out now. Instead of fighting me to go underneath it, she happily sat shaking it up and down.

After shaking the parachute up and down they were soon allowed underneath it. First Bella happily jumped up and down and ran round. In fact all the little girls were having a blast jumping up and down trying to catch the parachute above their heads. Miss Paige then asked them all to lay on their backs and try to kick their feet and see if they can hit the parachute with their feet. Bella actually managed this task very well. Normally she will not lay down properly, propping herself up so she can still see but today she lead flat and kicked her little legs at the parachute.

Once the parachute was put away we moved onto jumping. Again this week we had five spots to jump on before heading through the tunnel and then five more jumps. Bella joined in for her two turns and then stopped. It’s so funny how she wont do the activity anymore than twice. I wonder why that’s her magic number.

It was now time to say goodbye and have cuddles with Twinkl. Bella decided she wanted cuddles with Twinkl while lying next to me. She carefully rocked the bear and then brushed it’s fur before saying goodbye.

Once all the bears were gathered in and stickers had been distributed it was time to head home. I don’t know why I decided to go to Costa but that’s where we ended up. I think it was probably because I was so tired and needed a wake me up in the shape of a latte.

Anyways we popped into Costa through the drive thru and I picked up a latte for me and a gingerbread man for Bella. That was a bit of a struggle for me as the person on the drive thru thought I was asking for ginger snap biscuits but we eventually got there.

We headed home so we could have some lunch and get going for nursery. Bella had pretty much finished her gingerbread man by the time we got home. It’s not even a long drive from the drive thru to home. Man that kid can eat fast. We had an hours down time before heading back out to nursery.

While Bella was at nursery I went for walk into town to pick up some bits. I had a nice wander around town, pretty much window shopping than anything else. I had left the car at home and walked into town. So when I decided to make a move home and the time was only 1.30pm I was a bit thrown as I still had over an hour before I had to go pick Bella up.

While I was in town my hair started to drive me up the wall. My hair is pretty long but I can’t stand having it down and having it up really hurts at the moment as my scalp is so sensitive. So while I was in town I thought I’d look for some scrunchies to tie my hair up with. I find using scrunchies doesn’t pull so much on my scalp. I had seen some pretty ones in Peacocks but I went and took a look in New Look. I found these really cute teddy bear scrunchies and couldn’t resist. I mean how nice do these look.

I finished up in town and walked back home. When I got home I did my usual tidying of the kitchen before picking up Bella from nursery. When I picked her up I bumped into a mummy friend and we had a catch on what we’d both been doing and how the kids were getting on. It was nice to know that Bella has a friend at nursery and I have some one to chat to in the cold while we wait.

When we got home Bella wanted to play dress up while I carried on with some tidying. It turns out Tinkerbell was our costume of choice today. She was flying around the living room with her little wand.

After dinner Bella announced she wanted some ice cream – something Liam and her Grandad have taught her comes after dinner. The only problem was the only ice cream we currently have in the house is my Ben and Jerry’s. I reluctantly let Bella have a bowl of my chocolate fudge brownie ice cream even though I wasn’t happy about it. I’m going to have to buy her some ice cream of her own so mine can be kept safe.

Bella really enjoyed my ice cream. She seems to have mastered the art of not getting brain freeze. A skill she’s going to have to teach me.

Lots of little things happened today but it was nice to be busy. Nice to be able to pretend to be normal for a day.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

Anxiety stops the World going round – 29th January 2020

Today was a disappointing day. I swear my depression and anxiety is getting worse. I didn’t want to do anything today. It sucks. I curled up on the sofa in the corner away from everything. But I refused to hide in my bed. I felt the sofa was at least a change of scenery and still safe. I snuggled up on the sofa while Bella watched Tiny Pop. We still have no internet and wont have until we move probably. For us to get our internet and phone line fixed requires me talking to my dad and my mental and emotional state is just not up for it.

I spent most of the morning moping and just trying to keep my anxiety in check. I’m currently jumping at every sound and movement. It’s driving me loopy. Just hoping I can get a doctors appointment soon so I can fix this. I’m sick of feeling like the world is out to get me and I know it’s not.

Bella didn’t seem to mind not doing much. She was happy playing with her toys so at least that was something. We got her cars out again but Bella wasn’t happy I wouldn’t build her a track again. I just wasn’t feeling up to it.

After some time playing with her cars, she wanted to dress up as Cinderella – which is a huge hit at the moment. We dressed her up in her pretty dress and then Bella pulled out her make up set. She wanted her nails done a green colour so I painted them for her and then left her to carry on with her make up. She pulled out her eyeshadow and went to town. I left her playing while I decided to try and battle my anxiety and do some bits. Yeah, that didn’t go to well. When I came back to see how Bella was doing with her make up, she had pink eyeshadow all round her eyes and also all over her dress.

Now knowing how upset Bella was going to be if she couldn’t wear her dress, we whipped it off and I chucked it in the washing machine. This meant I could get the dress washed and dried so Bella could wear it tomorrow if she wanted.

Rachel came round during the make up incident. I wasn’t sure she was coming round so we hadn’t planned anything together. Bella was happy to see Rachel, she always is when she turns up. Rachel was happy to spend time with Bella, I asked Rachel if she was happy to watch Bella so I could go for a walk. I find walking eases my anxiety. When my anxiety is high I like to walk lots.

Rachel was happy to watch Bella so I grabbed my headphones and off we went. I find these walks are not necessarily relaxing but it helps burn off my nervous energy. The only problem is I find I walk far too fast. But it’s nice to just switch off, walk and listen to my music.

Once I got home I started on dinner.

After dinner it was time for Bella’s bath. She is so excited when I tell her it’s bathtime now. If I mention it to her half way through dinner she’ll tell me she’s finished and will insist on heading straight up stairs to the bath. I’m glad she’s starting to love baths, they used to be such a battle.

Now Bella had a bit too much fun in the bath. She ended up soaking me and the whole room. She was shrieking away with laughter so it was nice she was having fun but there’s only so much water I can tolerate being thrown out of the bath. She eventually stopped and let me wash her hair. That’s still a little bit of a battle but it’s a bit easier than it used to be.

After her bath I wrapped her up in a snuggly blanket and popped her in my bed. While she was in my bed I jumped in the shower. I wasn’t happy with how wet she had made me and the easiest way to get round it was to get myself soaked. I had a quick shower before having a few cuddles in bed before I sent her to bed.

A bit of a downer day today, I’m getting sick of this anxiety but I’m trying. I know tomorrow will be a busier day, it’s a Thursday.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

28th January 2020

This morning started like every other morning. Bella came into me moaning she wanted her TV on. Well she’d managed to turn it on and get the the language menu up on the screen but hadn’t worked out how to get the DVD to get any further. So I crawled out of bed fast forwarded through all the adverts to get to the main menu and start the film. I made my way back into bed and hid under the covers.

When the film came to an end Bella came trotting back into my room and announced she wanted to go downstairs. I told her that was fine and I’d follow her down in a minute. I did follow behind very slowly. I had woken up with a migraine and dizziness. I think my body is trying to give me every signal going that I need to take a break and look after myself but I can’t. I’d love to have just crawled back under the covers and refused to emerge for a year or two but I needed to get up and be with Bella. So out of bed I got and bounced off of various pieces of furniture and out the door. How I didn’t fall down the stairs I have no idea.

When I got downstairs I found Bella snuggled up on sofa, under Daly’s blanket in the dark. She jumped out at me but then told me she wanted to snuggle down and sleep on the sofa. I had no objections to that. That was exactly what I was planning to do.

We started our morning nice and slowly downstairs. Bella snuggled up on her sofa and me on my own under a nice cosy blanket. I popped on Disney Life and we decided it was going to be a Disney day. A nice easy day in the hopes I could keep my anxiety in check and hopefully prevent my migraine from getting worse. The first film Bella wanted to watch was Cinderella.

While Bella watched Cinderella I snuggled on down under my blanket and tried to chill. Liam made me a cup of tea. So I enjoyed being cosy with my cuppa.

Cinderella soon finished. I asked Bella what she wanted to watch next. She asked for Doc McStuffin but I’ve noticed Bella has started to come out with American phrases such as ‘flashlight’ it’s a torch and ‘trash can’ it’s a bin. I’m not happy about this so I have now brought in a highly American influenced children’s programmes ban. So no Doc McStuffin or Paw Patrol for the time being until she starts using the English names for things.

As we now have an American children’s TV ban I was in control of what Disney films we were going to watch. Scrolling through I gave Bella the option of films but she wanted Doc McStuffin. So I chose Aladdin. I know she has seen it in the past but she was not interested at all. Well that was until the film had been on for two seconds and then she was fully absorbed. I obviously made a good choice.

Our day continued like that with me popping various films on. By the end of the day we had watched Cinderella, Aladdin, the Lion King, Lady and the Tramp and the Aristocats. Bella didn’t spend all day in front of the TV. I did manage to get her play – it also helped a little with my anxiety.

I pulled out all her Toot Toots, well I say all. All but her massive race track that stands in her play room. It sits in 3 boxes and I lined these up against the wall so she could build a track. She didn’t want to build a track though. Nope she wanted me to build the track. So that’s how I spent an hour of my day. On the living room floor getting frustrated when the track wouldn’t line up properly and wishing we had more track (we have tons)

After an hour of trying to manipulate these pieces of track and telling Bella to go away until I’d finished, I eventually had completed my massive track that nearly filled our living room. Bella was finally allowed to play with it. It seems mumma did good because she was happily playing with it all afternoon.

Now building the track had put my anxiety on hold for the hour I was distracted but as soon as I’d finished it was like it came back with avengance. I was jumping everytime I heard a car outside the house. I actually ended up going round and shut all the curtains at the front of the house and closed off the hall way so I couldn’t see the front door. I hid back in my blanket cocoon but my anxiety feeds me so much anxious energy that I have to burn it off. I get this fidgety feeling and have to walk.

Now that sounds completely backwards when I’m shutting myself off from the world. I mean I’m quite surprised I haven’t bought myself a treadmill so I can walk without leaving the house. I’d say that’s my next step but I don’t want my anxiety to keep me prisoner in my own house. I had a letter to post so I decided that a little walk to the post box might do me some good.

Daly was awake now so I left him with Bella while I took a quick walk around the block to the post box. I chose the wrong time to go though. I went for my walk just as it was school kicking out time and there is a school at the top of my road. Not to mention we’re in the middle of four secondary schools. But I survived, I had my headphones in, I listened to my music and I made it there and back without having a melt down.

When I got home though my anxiety was still high. I pretty much just hid in Daly’s arms and kept telling him he wasn’t allowed to go to work. Sadly he went anyways. The meany.

Once Daly had left I worked out I had about an hour before I needed to start dinner. I thought it was the perfect time to blog so ran upstairs to grab my laptop. However as I walked into our bedroom I spotted a pile of towels and that set my anxiety off a little more. Here comes the tidy urge from my anxiety. So instead of writing my blogs I went in the bathroom and tidied our linen closet.

We have a ridiculous amount of duvet covers and pillow cases so I pulled the whole cupboard out and organised it. I sorted them all out into toddler bed, singles, doubles, and king. Duvet sets for guests and ones for Daly and my bed. And then rearranged the towels as well. Bella came and joined me and kept running off with her duvet sets but I eventually got it all sorted and back in the cupboard. I did end up with a massive pile of duvet sets to go to charity though. Most of them Rachel’s but a few of mum and dads.

By the time I had finished into the linen closet it was time to start cooking dinner. Tonight I was cooking chilli. I craved it so badly when I was pregnant and I’m so happy I’ve finally found a decent recipe to use as an outline. I never follow recipes, I just use them as a guideline.

I had all the spices this time that the recipe said but one of them I couldn’t stand the smell of. I thought I’d made a terrible mistake after I’d put it in and the smell was making me feel sick and adding to my headache but it turned out ok.

Turns out Liam and Bella both love my chilli so that is a plus. Liam could smell it from upstairs and I do love that the smell fills the house.

A nice chilled out Tuesday in some senses with films all day but highly stressful with the amount of anxiety and therefore adrenaline coursing through my body. Hopefully I can get a doctors appointment soon and start to get this under control as I don’t think living in a blanket fort is an option.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventure tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x

Why does everything require the Internet – 26th January 2020

Today did not start too great and then the day just went down hill. We had a sow start to the morning. Bella had woken up really early but I was struggling to get up. Thankfully she quietly played in her room letting me sleep and by the time my body decided I was ready to wake up Bella had fallen back to sleep. I woke her up and we headed back downstairs.

Bella wasn’t happy about being downstairs though. She wanted to be upstairs watching Barbie and the 3 Musketeers. It was an absolute battle to get her downstairs. Eventually she made it and discovered her toy iPad. It needed some new batteries so we sorted it out and then Bella happily played.

Liam and I had noticed we were having issues with the internet so we tried resetting the router. But that didn’t work. We then took it in turns following the steps to try getting the router working again. In the end I followed the instructions which led to me actually phoning BT. Not even our landline was working which worried me slightly not that we even use our landline.

I ended up on the phone to BT for an hour while I and a technician tried to get the line working from both of our ends. It was so frustrating because as soon as I thought the router was working and the line my hopes were dashed. It was so frustrating. And the cherry on top of the cake was they can’t even send out an engineer to us to try and fix the line because the account is under my dad’s name. They need his permission before they can send an engineer out. And getting in touch with dad just spikes my anxiety at the moment and for the sake of my mental health I need to start listening to those anxieties and try to ease them.

Now the biggest frustration with having no internet is everything runs on the bloody internet nowadays. Our phones (even though we have 4G), the smart TV, the iPads, the Playstations, the Google nest and my laptop and the app I write my blog on. So we were pretty stuck today. It’s bad how reliant we are on it. Damn technology. In the end I had to hotspot my phone to my laptop so I could blog otherwise no blog would go up tonight and I don’t want to start missing days this early on into the year.

As we didn’t have any internet Bella couldn’t watch any Disney films, I need to do some DVD shopping. So instead Liam and I watched films. I found Never Been Kissed. Liam had never seen it before so we chilled out watching that while Bella played upstairs again.

I love the film Never Been Kissed but it used to be my depressed film. I’ve come to the conclusion it’s a perfect realistic break up film if you end it 2 minutes before the end. That way Drew Barrymore would never get kissed and it would be totally realistic. I love it but hate the ending.

Bit of an annoying Sunday, and it’s so frustrating how much our life depends on wifi. It’s stupid. Next time it needs to happen on a day I have a little more energy and then maybe Bella and I can enjoy a day out.

Anyways, night all and let’s see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Love CiCi x